Porcelain
by SpazzAvalanche
Summary: To James, Lily is beautiful, but she'll never see it. Even as Lily starts to fall, she pushes him away. How can he make her see herself the way everyone else does, and keep her from self-destruction? WARNINGS: Anorexia/bulimia. M for adult situations (yes, that kind). Voldemort will make appearances and action will happen (remember he was thrice defied).
1. Prologue

_Prologue: Summer after fifth year_

Even her brightest places had become dark.

Most summers, when her sister's shrill shrieks had become unbearable, she had found solace on an old, creaky swing set. It had been the only place outside of Hogwarts where she had felt safe in years. She and her best friend would sit, two feet apart, and pretend they weren't too old to see who could swing the highest.

She had always won; she suspected he had always let her. His legs were longer, and anyway he wasn't as competitive with her here as he was in the classroom. This year he hadn't been around, but she'd have left if she saw him.

_Mudblood_. At home, she was a freak; at school, she was worthless. The brightest witch of her age, and what to show for it? No friends-her only true friend had left her for brutish, horrid Slytherins. Not that she had anything against Slytherins in particular-but Mulciber? Nott? She could hardly believe that she had been passed up by her childhood best friend for these foul creatures.

It was the first weekend of the summer and already she missed Hogwarts... though no doubt once she went back to school, she'd miss home. She wasn't happy anywhere anymore, it seemed.

Nevertheless, she found herself at the swingset-out of habit, she supposed, or longing-idly munching on a bag of pretzels. She hadn't been eating much, her mother had complained frequently. She hadn't been _hungry_.

She wondered what it was about her. Her magic? No one seemed to find her entitled to it, but she would never give that up. Her looks? Well, she thought her long, auburn hair and almond eyes to be quite pretty, but she supposed she wasn't the most beautiful girl in the world. Then again, neither was her sister, Petunia, whose features were thin and hard like chiseled stone. It could be her brains-her parents always fawned over her marks, but then, Severus had better Potions grades than she and they were evenly matched at most of the other subjects-though Charms was her forte, where Sev was only proficient.

She never could quite get it right, could she? She didn't know what was wrong with her, only that something very much _was_.

She reached her hand into the bag and found it empty. _How did that happen_? she wondered. She barely remembered the first bite, let alone the bag.

Only then did she become conscious of the tense, tight feeling in her abdomen. Panic constricted her airway and she bolted from the swing and to the nearest bush. She didn't think, didn't stop to consider the consequences, only knew that she needed to _get it out_.

She didn't notice the figure looming in the shadows as she emptied the contents of her stomach for the first time.

A/N: Reviews are welcome, of course. This is not going to be a LE/SS story, but there may be moments. The next chapter will fast forward to seventh year.


	2. The Hogwarts Express

Author's Note: Firstly, author's notes will from here on out be few and far between. Normally they're not my style. I'm not terribly happy with this chapter-it isn't one I planned on doing, but it contains information I needed to get to before I could get to the meat of things. I consider this a transition between prologue and real story. Post-prologue? Anyway, thanks so much for the reviews.

* * *

"I'll be fine, Mum," Lily insisted, standing a few feet to the side of the Platform 9-10 border. Her older sister, dragged as always to the station to say goodbye, refused to cross the barrier, muttering about being "overrun by freaks" as usual.

Mrs. Evans smiled sadly. "I know, dear, but just know that you can come home at any time. If things get too hard for you, or if you think you might... be struggling."

"I'm nine months away from graduating!" Lily snapped. "I can't give it up now just because you think I'm going to screw up." Instantly she blushed, chagrined. "I'm sorry," she sighed. "I'm just... nervous. But I swear I'll be fine. And I'll write!"

"Better if you didn't," muttered Petunia, but she was silenced by a single look from their father.

Never one for words, he merely stepped forward and pulled Lily into an embrace. He kissed the top of her head, and held her hand as he pulled back. She nodded at him; he nodded back. It was all they had ever needed.

"Don't forget your meal plans," insisted her mother. "If you have trouble making decisions, the... Healer, is it? Madame Pomfrey, will be happy to help you." Pomfrey had been a peripheral part of her treatment team this summer, and Lily was embarrassed to know that she and Dumbledore knew where she had been, but it couldn't be helped. The Head Girl nodded.

With farewell hugs for all but her sister, Lily glanced around and crossed the barrier. Seven years' experience didn't keep her from tensing up and squinting her eyes as she approached the column, and she breathed a sigh of relief as she opened her eyes to see the scarlet train that would take her to a world she had once barely dared to dream of.

She boarded the train at the very front and entered the prefects' compartment. She was early; it was barely 9:30, but she had been instructed to be there before any of the prefects. To her surprise, the compartment wasn't empty; James Potter's presence seemed to fill the room.

"Potter?" she asked with surprise. "What are you doing here?"

He flashed the arrogant smile that made girls fall at his feet. "Head Boy. You didn't hear?"

Her brows raised. "I though only prefects could become Heads?" She nearly stumbled over her words, surprised as she was.

"Nope," he answered brightly. "I was surprised as you when I found out. Thought Moony had it for sure!"

"Why Dumbledore would choose someone as arrogant and blatantly disregarding of the rules is beyond me," she said delicately.

His face fell just a little. "You have no idea, do you? How much I've changed in the last year?"

Lily shifted uncomfortably. To be honest, she'd been too wrapped up in her own problems over the last year or so to really notice him. She always tried to give anyone a fair chance, but she had distanced herself from everyone-it was hard to maintain grades, prefect duties, _personal issues_ (she refused to call it what the doctors had), and a social life to boot.

"It doesn't matter," muttered the dark-haired boy. "Anyway, I've never been at a prefects' meeting so I'm not really sure what we're supposed to say."

"Pep talk," Lily said simply, but his comment gnawed at her. She vowed to try and be fair to him. "Welcome the new prefects, welcome back the old." As she explained, she couldn't help but notice the way he looked at her... like he was trying to drink her in. She shifted uncomfortably.

Soon the prefects started filing in. Remus clapped James on the back, then folded Lily into a hug. "You've changed," he breathed into her ear as he embraced her the way he might a sister.

She nodded. Remus was the only one at Hogwarts who knew her secret besides the Healer and the headmaster, and now he smiled at her.

* * *

_Flashback:_

_"You smell like vomit," she heard the moment she stepped out of the prefects' bathroom. She almost screamed, then turned to see Remus's face illuminated by wandlight._

_"Remus, you scared me!" she gasped. "And anyway, I'm not feeling well." She had rehearsed the sentence in recent months, so it slipped like second nature from her tongue and she didn't stutter, though she was shaking._

_He raised one delicate eyebrow. "Evidently," he murmured, "given your lack of appetite in the Great Hall this evening. But you must have felt a bit better, given your trip to the kitchens not long ago. Did the nausea come back suddenly?"_

_Unnerved that he had noticed, she bristled. "Have you been following me?"_

_"More pressing question: Have you been making yourself throw up?" he tossed back in the same tone. When she tensed, terror-stricken he softened. "No one else knows. Keen werewolf senses and all. I've heard you from the boys' bathroom next door through the brick walls. I've smelt it on your breath under the mouthwash. I know your pattern."_

_"I d-don't know what you're talking about," she half-shrieked, stuttering at last. "I'm just not feeling well tonight, is all." Her heart had never pounded so hard. How could she have been so careless?_

_"Really? Because here's what I've noticed. On Sunday mornings, you eat an apple and a bite of yogurt-occasionally two, but they're small bites. You're in the library for lunch. For dinner you eat half a chicken breast and some corn-no butter but lots of sale. Monday mornings it's an apple. You eat what everyone else is having for lunch, but you go to the bathroom before class. For dinner you eat a roll and seven baby carrots. Tuesday mornings you skip breakfast, have half a tuna sandwich for lunch, and skip dinner, but then as soon as you finish prefect duties you sneak into the kitchens-I'm not sure what you eat there, but you bolt straight to the prefects' bathroom after, just like tonight. On Wednesdays-"_

_"I get it," she snapped. "You've been spying on me." She trembled. She was so transparent to her friend-her only friend, these last months. Blood roared through her ears as her blood pressure, usually low, went into overdrive._

_"Worried about you," he corrected gently. "Besides, we once had a conversation similar to this one. The middle of second year, remember? When you decided it was time I knew that you knew about my problem. Same goes here: I won't tell anyone. I'm here for you. I will help you in any way I can."_

_That was all it took for her to crumple. She fell to her knees-part emotion and part weakness-and put her face in her hands. He sat next to her, a hand on her back, and whispered soothing words._

* * *

"Evans? Lily?" Potter's voice probed into her dark thoughts.

"What?" she asked with a start. "Oh! I'm sorry. Off in my own world, I guess. Welcome, everyone, and especially to our newest prefects..." She greeted each by name, then discussed duties for the day and general duties for the year, with occasional input from the Head Boy.

When all the prefects had filed out to begin patrols (and mostly hang out with their friends), James turned to face her. "What was that about?" he demanded. "You just stood and stared at Remus for a good two minutes." Was that jealousy she detected in his tone? She knew he had always fancied her, but-come to think of it-he hadn't outwardly flirted with her since the middle of sixth year. She had barely noticed.

Lily smiled slightly. "Nothing," she answered. "I was just remembering a conversation he and I shared last year. About his-what do you lot call it-furry little problem."

He gaped. "You know about that? How?"

"Please," she teased. "They don't call me the brightest witch of the age for nothing. I've known since before you have."

"Impossible!" he answered. "We've known since third year!"

"Second," she said lightly as his jaw swung open. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to read. You're free to catch up with your friends-I won't tell if you shirk your duties a little. I'm sure you've missed Sirius and Peter."

"Sirius lives with me now," James corrected, "but yeah, I'll go catch up. See you later, Lily."

He had called her Lily, she mused, and wondered why Sirius had moved into the Potter household. None of her business, she supposed.

* * *

A few hours into the journey, the compartment was still empty save for Lily. Occasionally a prefect darted in to grab something, but the reality was that no one followed the rule to stay in the compartment between patrols. And why should they? Everyone else had friends to attend to.

Alice was tied up with Frank Longbottom, and she had no desire to intrude on that love-fest. There was Remus, but he was surely with Sirius, Peter and James. Severus was, for the second year in a row, surely with Avery and his Death Eater lot, and in that compartment she would be like a ferret thrown into a hippogriff's lair.

So she spent her time reading her school books and contemplating the coming year. She was afraid that her mother's worries would come to fruition and the summer she had spent in a residential program would have been wasted... at the same time, she knew it was inevitable. She could already feel it shifting under her skin, that incessant need, and while she could clamp down on it for now, she wasn't certain how long that would last.

_No need to worry about it now_, she thought. She opened her trunk and pulled out a set of school robes. Lost in thought, she forgot to lock the door before she peeled off her top and shimmied out of her jeans.

"Lily, I-oy!" Respectfully, James clamped a hand over his eyes. She screeched.

"OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT!" she ordered. As soon as he took a backward step she slammed the compartment door shut and locked it. When she had dressed, she opened it again; James stood outside patiently.

"Yes?" she asked calmly.

"Firstly, I'm very sorry for that. Secondly, I suggest you lock the door next time you get half naked. Thirdly, wow."

Lily cocked an eyebrow. "Wow?"

"Yeah," he chuckled. "You've got some serious hips on you. But the reason that I came in was that a second year Hufflepuff got into it with a third year Slytherin, and now the Hufflepuff has a broken nose. Far left compartment on the third car. I couldn't remember the spell to fix it, but they both have detentions."

She nodded politely and brushed past him to find the boy in question, and wondered just what he meant by serious hips.


	3. The Welcome Feast

Later at the Sorting, Lily and James helped lead the first-years to their House tables. Afterward, Lily had the fight the urge to skip the feast._ It's just a meal_, she reminded herself. _More options means more safe foods. It's going to be fine._

She sat between Alice, who was mostly caught up with her boyfriend sitting across from her, and Remus, who was absorbed in conversation with Peter and Sirius. For a few minutes, she merely sat and looked at her plate. No one was looking at her. It would be so easy to-

No.

Not so soon. She accepted that relapse was inevitable-she_ knew_ that, and her treatment team had stressed that it was expected and okay as long as she got back on her feet-but she couldn't let it be so soon. She was _not_ going to waste this year, her last year at Hogwarts, the way she had her last. Defiantly, she scooped mashed potatoes onto her plate, and followed with turkey and vegetables. She stabbed at a piece of broccoli and stuffed it into her mouth, chewing furiously.

"All right, Lily?" asked James. Damn. She had hoped to be inconspicuous. She hated when people watched her eat, or commented on what was on her plate, or even talked to her when food was on the table.

She made herself nod, then swallowed. "Fine, thanks. Why?"

"You looked like the broccoli was trying to bite you back." She snorted, then delicately lifted a pea and launched it at him. He caught it deftly and they both laughed.

_Why was it so easy to be around him all of a sudden?_

"You should probably eat that instead of just playing with it," James teased. She stiffened, then reminded herself that he hadn't meant anything by it. The weeks of being told what and when and how to consume had turned the phrase "you should eat" into a hair trigger for her frustration, but she forced herself to breathe and twisted a smile onto her face.

"I could certainly take lessons from you, James," she heard herself joke back, "since it's been hardly more than ten minutes since the feast started and you're on plate number two."

"I'm hungry," he defended. "They barely feed us at home, isn't that right, Padfoot?"

Sirius, always quick to catch on, sighed dramatically. "Barely a morsel, Prongs, barely enough to keep us alive. Why, Mrs. Potter only gave me four pieces of French toast, two eggs, and a small mountain of bacon this morning. How is a growing boy supposed to subsist on that?"

Just the thought of that much food made Lily's stomach lurch, and she wasn't sure how to reply. It occurred to her, not for the first time, that she wasn't really sure what normal eating was anymore.

She was saved from having to speak by Remus, who gently put a hand on her knee as he deadpanned, "You're a growing boy indeed. Mostly around the middle."

"Oy!" said Sirius indignantly. "I need to have some bulk or I'll fail Gryffindor as a Beater and we'll never win the Cup this year!"

The talk turned to Quidditch just as the table cleared itself, and desserts popped up where the entrees had been. Lily stared at her now-clean plate and realized she had only had that one bite of broccoli. She didn't relish the idea of getting the meal's calories out of sweets, but her stomach was growling.

She decided that the fruit salad would be safe and got a good helping of that, then-knowing that she was nowhere near following her meal plan tonight-had a little raspberry sherbet.

Just as she was finishing, Dumbledore stood. "Before we tuck ourselves in for the night, I have one last announcement to make. As many of you know, these are very dark times indeed. For our younger students, take comfort in the knowledge that Hogwarts is the safest place to be. For those about to embark on this convoluted journey we call adulthood, know that now more than ever it is important to learn as much as we can. I urge you all to take your studies seriously this year, for you may find you need them sooner than you think. Now, please allow your Head Boy and Girl and prefects to escort you to your common rooms, and I hope you will all sleep well."

"How are we supposed to sleep well after a warning like that?" Peter whined quietly as they stood. Lily only shook her head. Surely Peter knew that they would, as soon as they graduated, enter a war. She found it best to put it out of her mind, if only because it would likely be her only focus after school for-how long? Who knew? Maybe a year, maybe two, maybe the rest of her life.

* * *

She left James and the prefects to show the first years the Common Room, and headed down to the hospital wing.

"You wanted to see me after the feast?" Lily said to Madame Pomfrey, referring to a letter she had received a few days before school started.

The Healer stood up from behind her desk and came over to look at the girl. "Miss Evans, how are you doing?" She began looking her up and down, circling her.

She blushed under the woman's close scrutiny. "Fine, thank you. I, um, can bring you a copy of my meal plans tomorrow."

The older woman shook her head briskly. "I already have copies. I will need you to disrobe, however." Lily's brows shot up, and Pomfrey continued, "Just down to your underthings. I need to weigh you and look you over."

"Right after I ate?" Lily squealed. Oops. So much for composure. "I mean, um. Isn't it most accurate first thing in the morning?"

The Healer chuckled. "On the Muggle scales you're used to, perhaps. Magical ones used in hospitals are able to discern what is actual body weight, what is water retention, fat content, muscle content, and food. Which means," she added, "that you cannot drink large quantities of water to fool me into thinking your weight is up." Lily blushed; she had been caught doing that once early this summer, before she had begun cooperating in treatment.

She went ahead and disrobed, then stood on the magical scale-which looked only like a flat, bronze circle on the floor. Nothing happened when she stepped on, but then she didn't know what she was expecting.

"How much do I weigh?" she asked hopefully, but Pomfrey's eyebrows disappeared into her curly bangs and the younger girl knew she wasn't getting the answer.

"Your mother did keep me updated, my dear. I will let you know if you are losing weight, or gaining rapidly. I expect you in my office weekly for weigh-ins."

"For how long?" she asked, swallowing.

"At least the next four weeks, and then we'll talk about it. In the meantime..." Pomfrey looked at her more thoroughly now that she was unclothed. "You're looking better. Fingernails are more pink than blue, and your bones aren't visible enough for me to be concerned. You've done an exceptional job since this June, Miss Evans."

Lily found herself blushing as she reclothed herself. She knew she should be happy. She was happy to be healthier than she had been. She knew that she had looked disgusting at the beginning of summer, having begun as a naturally thin girl and losing so much weight so rapidly.

Oh, she knew she wasn't fat; make no mistake. Weight loss was, for her, merely a marker of control and progress. If she pinched at her thighs, it was because they were too big by her measures, not because she didn't like the way they looked. That was something, she knew, her family and even her treatment team had never understood. Her mother, at the beginning of the summer, had pleaded with her: _Please darling, you're so thin already, you don't need to lose any more weight. You must have lost at least thirty pounds and you were already thin._

As if she wasn't painfully aware of every ounce and inch she had lost.

* * *

When she entered the common room, Lily was surprised by James Potter's presence for the second time that day. He sat in her favorite armchair, the red one close to the fire that crackled pleasantly in the hearth no matter the time of year.

"Pot-James! What are you doing up?" she asked.

"Nice to see you, too," he teased, tossing his hair out of habit. "I noticed you leave the Common Room and was hoping you'd be back soon so I'd get a chance to talk to you. Can I ask what you were up to?"

"I just missed the school," she made up on the fly. "Wanted to walk through it alone. This is our last year, after all."

He nodded somberly. "Kind of our last year to be carefree. After this... there's a war on. And I'm going to fight." Pride shone fierce on his face.

"I'd like to, too. I was thinking about becoming an Auror after school, or maybe an Unspeakable. Or do something to help the war effort. This summer, three Muggle families in my hometown were found dead in their homes with no known cause," she explained, though she didn't mention that she hadn't been in her hometown at the time. "They thought it might be something in the water, so everyone's buying water in jugs from the grocery store." When James cocked his head, she chuckled. "It's a Muggle thing, but anyway they think it's some mysterious disease. Better than knowing the truth, I guess, but either way he's getting what he wants. They're afraid, everyone in my town."

James nodded. "He killed my grandparents last year," he confided. "They were Gryffindors, like us. They were really old, about Dumbledore's age, but they still fought back-there were too many signs of a struggle in the house for them to have gone peacefully. I'd rather die fighting him than live pretending nothing was happening."

"I-I never knew that that happened to your family," said Lily softly. "I guess I haven't... noticed you as much as I should have. Given you a chance."

He smiled, and Lily was struck by the sight. How had she never noticed the bright flecks of gold in his hazel eyes, or the way his front tooth was just a little crooked? "I haven't given you much reason to, I'm afraid," he admitted. "Been a right prat. I guess my grandparents' deaths set my head on straight."

"I'm still struggling to get mine that way," she said, then immediately regretted it when he cocked his head at her in question. She just shook her head. "Anyway, I'm tired. I'll see you tomorrow. Don't forget, Dumbledore wants a meeting with both of us right after classes tomorrow."

"Good night, Lily," the boy answered, still looking as if he was trying to figure her out.

"Good night, James," she returned primly, making a quick exit in the hopes that she could keep him from doing just that.


	4. James and Lily

Author's Note: I wrote the vast majority of this, and then my computer died. I was very very very upset, needless to say. Sorry if this has the second-time-around feel. I'll be the first to admit this is a little bit more fluffy and filler-y... I just couldn't make myself rewrite it the exact same way twice, so I took out some of the meat and will inject it into the future (I wanted to get Lily and James's relationship moving a little more anyway, so at least there's kind of a plus side). There will be a little more action next chapter, I swear!  
Also, Berthold was the name of St. Hedwig's father. Just throwing that out there.

* * *

She fell into an easy rhythm.

As summer finally began bowing down to fall, Lily found a pattern. It was still too much for her to handle three large meals a day, so she ate small meals and snacks between classes-her parents sent a supply of her favorite protein bars once a week, and she alternated that with fruit. Pomfrey had reduced her to examinations and weight only every two weeks, and she was maintaining. She was enjoying the vast majority of her classes; of course Divination was rubbish, but for whatever reason it was required for a career as an Unspeakable, and she hadn't yet ruled that out. She spent the evenings either in the library with Remus, steadfastly pretending Severus wasn't six tables away, or lounging in the common room with Alice, Frank and often the Marauders. The course work was too intense for her to focus immensely on food or calories or weight, and so she led what could be called a normal life, for the most part.

Her relationship with the four seventh-year Gryffindor boys was, she knew, what kept her on an even keel. Even at the beginning of the year, she wouldn't have expected this level of camaraderie with any of them but Remus. She wasn't in their inner circle-there was no fifth Marauder-but they were able to interact, to laugh together. Lily's loneliness abated as the year went on.

The first Hogsmeade weekend was a week before Halloween. That Saturday morning, she woke early to the sound of Alice muttering to herself. Her light sleeping habits were a curse in her dormitory.

"Jesus Christ, Alice," she groaned. "It's barely eight. What are you going on about?"

"She has a _daaate_," cooed Bertha Jorkins. Lily rolled her eyes. Bertha was anything but a friend-an unintelligent gossip, she was Lily's polar opposite, and her mere voice was enough to get on Lily's nerves.

Alice flopped onto the bed, causing a t-shirt to fall to the floor. Lily picked it up and threw it at her. "You're worried about what to wear? Alice, Frank sees you every day in the same thing. Anything you wear will be a nice change."

"I _know_," huffed Alice, "but this is important. Look. Frank and I have been together since the end of last year, but we still haven't been on a date! I want to look great for him." She blushed. "I really care about him."

Lily thought her friend looked great in anything. She wasn't thin by any means, but her curves were well-proportioned and she could make a paper sack look good. Though Lily had no desire to be that size, she envied the way Alice wore her clothing. Nevertheless, when Alice stood up off of her mound of garments, Lily dug through and found a rose-pink top and jeans that she knew would look good on her friend. "Pair the top with a cardigan," she cautioned, "since it's cold out. Now that's settled, I'm going back to bed."

Unfortunately, sleep seemed not to be in her favor. At nine in the morning, she woke to an owl tapping at the window. She stood to open it, wincing at the chill air. She recognized the owl, but couldn't place him. As the envelope he carried was scrawled with her name, she took it and gave him a pat on the head in thanks.

The owl, however, wouldn't leave. He stayed at the windowsill until she moved to the bed; he perched on her bedspread, watching her intently.

"All right," she muttered, "I'l open it."

_Lily_, it read,

_I was wondering if you might do me the honor of joining me in Hogsmeade. No pressure and no romantic undertones. It's Remus's birthday on Wednesday and I wanted to get him something, but think you may have more ideas what to do for him. Sirius has a date, and I told Remus and Peter to go ahead without me, so we'll be alone-but you can bring a friend if you want to. I'm not sure what I'm doing here. Normally I'm more charming than this._

_I instructed Berthold to wait for a reply, but if you ask him politely, he will leave and I will understand the answer._

_Yours,_  
_James_

The note made her smile. It was so different from his advances in years past-in fact, it wasn't even an advance on her. She felt a blush creeping up her cheeks as she thought she might wish it was.

She set the letter on her nightstand, then scrawled a note to him: _Meet me in the common room in half an hour. L._

Now_ she_ was the one worried about what to wear, but not for exactly the same reason as Alice. She dressed for her own self-comfort, not to impress others. For her, uniforms were welcome-she didn't have to weigh options. She preferred to hide her body as opposed to accentuating it, but baggy clothes only made her look bigger. Just as she had all summer, she found herself changing outfits three times. She ended up with a tunic that mostly hid her stomach and hung down past her bottom, but didn't totally eliminate her shape. She threw a cardigan over it and wished the nondescript, non-accenting Hogwarts robes were acceptable attire. Still, the tunic did look good on her, as good as anything else did, she supposed.

She brushed her wavy hair and went down to meet James in the common room. Though there were nearly ten minutes left to go before their set time, he was there waiting for her.

* * *

"Did you have an idea what you wanted to get Remus?" she asked as they made their way through Hogsmeade's cobbled streets.

James shrugged. "Maybe a book or... I don't know, a set of nice quills?" he suggested. "He doesn't have very many nice things."

"I've noticed," she murmured. "But I'm not sure about quills. Even the best don't stay nice for a terribly long time."

"True," conceded James. "Anyway, why don't we get breakfast before we shop? Since neither of us has eaten yet." He gestured to a bakery down the way.

A battle waged momentarily within Lily. She was uncomfortable eating with anyone one-on-one, because you couldn't watch anything but each other. "I'm not really hungry," she said lightly. "But I'll get a tea if you want to eat." She knew she'd have to eat something before very long, but wanted to put it off as long as possible.

He held the shop's door open for her, and she smiled as she walked through it. She hadn't thought James Potter to be that kind.

The smell of baked goods made her stomach feel raw and empty-she normally ate breakfast before nine-but this was a challenge she wasn't ready to face.

She sipped her tea as James ate his pastry and sausages. Between bites, they made small talk-classes, their friends, their families. But as it often does, light discourse soon turned serious.

"You've mentioned your sister in passing, but never said much about her," said James. "What's she like? I've always wanted a brother or sister."

Lily shook her head. "Not this one. Petunia hates me."

"I'm sure she doesn't," he said gently. "Sirius and his brother don't get along at all, but I know they don't really hate each other either."

"No, James, she seriously hates me. She's called me a freak nonstop since I got my Hogwarts letter. She didn't come visit me once this summer."

"Oh, she's moved out of the house then?" he asked casually.

"No." Lily answered automatically, then mentally cursed herself. "I um. Spent the summer... volunteering at a hospital. It got pretty lonely. My parents visited every weekend when I had spare time, but Petunia refused. Said the freakiness may be contagious."

He shook his head. "Jealous," he decided. "Hey, do you want some of this sausage? You've been staring at it."

Lily's face flared as red as her hair, and she shook her head. "Just deep in thought," she murmured. Her hands felt sweaty against her mug. She could feel the tenseness in her shoulders, the way her thighs pressed against the chair, the way her shoes felt around her feet. When she was feeling self-conscious, she always felt everything at once.

"If you're sure," James answered, and popped the last bite into his mouth. He left a few Galleons on the table, then stood. She followed suit, and soon they found themselves in the bookstore.

* * *

"Do you think Remus would like a new set of school books?" James asked. "His are all secondhand and kind of beaten up."

Lily thought about it, then shook her head. "It might make him... uncomfortable." When he looked at her in question, she tried to explain. "To have that reminder that he's poor. I know you mean it with best intention, but... I don't know that you'd be able to understand. I'm not poor either-my parents are middle class-but I have impure blood status to set me apart. You're wealthy, and a Pureblood. It wouldn't even occur to you that it's uncomfortable and awkward to have a constant reminder that you're... less."

He stepped closer to her, so they were only inches apart, and put a hand on her shoulder, gently. "You're not less," he whispered. "Don't ever think that. You're as good as anyone, and better than most."

Where had that come from? Lily stared, shellshocked, into hazel eyes, and was overcome with the desire to kiss him. Because she was, she took a step back.

"Thank you," she managed. "And the same applies to Remus, despite his financial status and his... condition. But it would be better not to put it in his face. I do think a book would be a good idea, though."

They perused the shelves, looking for a book they hadn't seen Remus reading yet and that didn't seem too boring. Finally, James dug out a thick volume about Remus and Romulus, Roman founders of legend. In the Muggle tale, they were brothers who were sent away for their own safety as babies and found and nurtured by a she-wolf, then raised by shepherds. They decided to begin a city where the wolf had found them, but fought over its placement and power, and Romulus threw a rock that killed Remus. The true story was much more interesting: twin brothers, turned into werewolves as young boys, had been abandoned by their parents. They were powerful wizards, who made major contributions to magic and early werewolf research before founding the city of Rome. It was true, however, that Romulus had killed Remus in a power struggle. But Lily imagined her friend would find it fascinating nevertheless.

* * *

They visited several more shops before settling down for lunch at The Three Broomsticks. Lily picked at her plate cautiously at first, but found it easier to eat as their conversation went on.

Lily found that they had more in common than she had expected. Now that he seemed to have outgrown the arrogant attitude for which he was famous, he was so easy to talk to. There was the superficial: The love of Exploding Snap, disdain for pumpkin juice ("Why the hell would anyone juice a squash?" asked James), preference for cats over the more-popular toads as school pets. But there was more-their morality meshed, now that James admitted what a prat he had been to Severus and others in their first five years.

They decided to walk back to Hogwarts in favor of taking the carriages. Most of it was spent in a companionable silence, but not because they had run out of things to talk about. Acting on impulse, Lily sidestepped so she was close to him and took his hand. A gentle blush ran up her face, but he didn't react except to squeeze it.

"Thanks for coming out with me," James said as they approached the castle. "I appreciate your helping me out, you know, helping find Moony's birthday present."

She didn't say anything for several moments, drumming up her courage. "About that," she finally answered. "I was thinking we should write something in the book, on the inside cover. So he remembers where it came from."

"Good idea," he answered, with no idea of the fact that Lily's heart was pounding. "Did you have something in mind?"

"I was thinking something simple, something not too touchy-feely, like... Happy eighteenth birthday, Moony. Another year to remember. Your friends, James and Lily."

That put a hitch in his step. "And... is there... a James and Lily?" he asked, keeping his voice deliberately casual.

She stopped in his tracks, and tugged his hand as he turned to face her. "There is now," she answered, standing on tiptoes to meet him in a kiss.


	5. Severus

Author's Note: Sorry sorry sorry! A couple of reviewers have noted that I've taken quite awhile on updating... please don't leave me :( I can't begin to explain the amount of crap that's been going on here lately (I'll sum it up with this: I just quit my job and am getting married in a couple months), but soon I'll have more time to write. And thanks for the consistently lovely reviews!

* * *

It didn't take too long for news to spread through the castle.

Some girls gave them dreamy looks as they walked arm-in-arm down the hall, obviously wishing either for romance or for James. Others glared daggers at Lily whether she was with her boyfriend or not. She knew they were jealous and tried not to let it get to her, but she wasn't used to being an object of attention. _That's the price of being with James Potter_, she thought. _Everything is public_.

It wasn't a bad exchange at all, she thought. As every day passed, she wondered why she hadn't given him a chance before. Why had she never thought he could be a gentleman?

He was considerate, so easy to talk to. Almost too easy-she had almost let her secret slip to him several times. But he trusted her, never pressed when she resisted, so it wasn't too bad.

They were eating dinner one night, a couple weeks after that fateful Hogsmeade trip. She was able to eat comfortably, feeling safe about everyone around her. She couldn't explain why, but an extra sense of warm comfort washed over her every time James brushed her hair aside and lay gentle kisses on her neck or collarbone, as he was doing now.

"Get a room," teased Sirius, wagging his fork at them.

"If you insist, Prongs," sighed James. "I suppose you can sleep in the common room tonight if you don't want to hear us, but we're not too picky about spectators." Everyone in the vicinity laughed; Peter nearly spat pumpkin juice over everything. Lily blushed scarlet but only shook her head as she grinned; her friends knew nothing like that could be true of her. In fact, she and James had done nothing outside of tender kisses stolen between classes. They hadn't discussed it, but Lily was sure James knew she was a virgin. Within moments the quip was out of her mind.

* * *

Later that night, she was doing patrols when she heard footsteps around the corner. She didn't like giving detentions for students being out past curfew if they weren't doing anything wrong, so she coughed loudly, hoping they'd hear and get away before she reached the intersection. However, the steps only became louder and soon she found herself face-to-face with Severus.

A rush of emotions coursed through her-after all this time, she still longed to smile at him, but also to curse him into next Tuesday. So she kept her tone clipped and cool. "Out of bed past curfew. Ten points from Slytherin, but if you have an excellent reason you may avoid a detention."

He looked, at first, like he wasn't sure what to say. He opened and closed his mouth; Lily thought he looked like a fish. Finally the boy said, "I wanted to talk to you."

"And it couldn't wait until morning?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow. Her heart gave an uncomfortable thud.

"No," he answered. "I wanted to ask how long you've been fucking Potter."

She was sure her face flushed as red as her hair-out of anger, not embarrassment. "Severus Tobias Snape," she all but shrieked, "how dare you ask such a thing? You of all people! It's none of your business how long I've been with James and it's none of your business what I do with my life." Her voice was low, now. "You made sure of that a year and a half ago."

"Lily," he protested, his tone apologetic, but she cut him off.

"No!" she snapped. "You don't get to do this! You don't get to ask about my personal life. You lost the privilege of using my name the day you called me Mudblood." Severus flinched, but she only continued. "That's what I am to you, remember? A Mudblood you don't need, so don't bother yourself with me." She turned on her heel and stalked away.

"Does he know you make yourself throw up?" he called after her. Her step hitched with her heart. How did he know? _How did he know_? She turned to face him, and knew the shock was etched into her features. He closed the distance between them and cocked an eyebrow. "Your expression implies not. If you don't want him finding out, I highly suggest you talk to me."

"You are a Slytherin," she whispered. "I always felt the damn hat must've Sorted you wrong, but now it's clear. What do you want?"

"A chance, Lily." His tone was all but begging. "A chance to make up for what I said. It was so long ago. I was a git. I was embarrassed. You gave him a second chance, after all he did."

"You may have been given that chance," she answered coolly, "if you hadn't opened with me by being vulgar and then threatened me." Tears burned the back of her eyes; pride wouldn't let her forgive him that easily, but she did miss her first friend.

Severus nodded. "If I have to show you I'm worth your time, I will, but there'll be no convincing you tonight. In the meantime, tell me something: when did you start starving yourself, and when did you stop?"

"I didn't," she denied automatically. "I'm not sure where you get these foolish ideas, but I assure you you're wrong."

"Really?" he asked tauntingly. "Where were you all summer? Where were you at or after meals all last year? And why have you gained about thirty-five pounds since June?" She slapped him clean across the face, turned, and blindly started walking. When he called after her she merely ignored it.

As she walked, she seethed. How dare he make such accusations? Why on earth would he say such things to her and then expect her to accept him? _How the hell did he know_?

A part of her ached for him, really did. But a bigger part-the part called Pride-didn't want to have anything to do with the prick she had had to defend for years. Guilt and nerves and confusion twisted like white-hot iron in her gut, and a heaviness weighed on her stomach and made her feel nearly nauseous.

Lily tried to think of every time she had purged with anyone even remotely nearby, any time she may have been conspicuously missing from lunch tables, but couldn't remember a time when he had been near. She understood how Remus had figured it out the year before, with his werewolf senses and the fact that they were close, but she and Severus hadn't spoken in a year and a half and she was fairly certain he wasn't a werewolf.

She wondered if he had been right, and she had gained thirty-five pounds. She knew it was no small number, but of course she wasn't allowed to know her weight, so she couldn't be sure. The thought nagged at her mind.

Before she realized where she was going, she found herself at the entrance to the kitchens. With barely a moment's hesitation, she tickled the pear.

* * *

"Miss Lily!" a voice somewhere around her knee squeaked. She looked down to find that her favorite Hogwarts house elf, Hooky. "Miss Lily has not visited Hooky in many months!"

"I know, Hooky," she said, stroking the small elf's head fondly. "I'm sorry." She realized that she had missed her elven friend.

"Would Miss Lily like a snack? We are busy busy working on pastries with fig jam and fruit with clotted cream and sausages for breakfast! The clotted cream is Miss Lily's favorite, Hooky remembers!"

She could have backed out. She could have said no thanks, chatted for a minute and then left for bed. She could have reminded herself of all the phrases her counselors had taught her to help her work through times like this. But she didn't.

"Thank you, Hooky. I'd love to try some."

Within moments Lily was seated at the elf-sized table, a plate loaded with sausages and pastries in front of her. They gave her a separate bowl full of fruit salad with clotted cream, since it was truly her favorite snack. She ate the way she always did here: Quickly. She hadn't fully swallowed a bite before the fork was back at her lips, and every bite was gone within just a few minutes. She quickly thanked Hooky and booked it to the prefects' bathroom on the fifth floor.

She had forgotten just how much it hurt! As her esophagus spasmed, she clutched her chest and thought this must be what a heart attack felt like. But it subsided within a few moments and she tried again, sliding two fingers aggressively down her throat.

She had saliva halfway down to her elbow before anything came up. Once it did, she didn't stop until she couldn't even force more fluid to expel itself. She could barely stand and her head was pounding, but for a shining moment she felt accomplished.

Until she went to the sink. She stared herself in the face as she washed vomit off her hand and chin. She was disgusting: Eyes shiny and red-rimmed, hair a mess, vomit splatters on her forehead. She pulled her wand from her back pocket, performed a few charms to make her look and smell clean, then crumpled onto the floor and cried. What had she done?


	6. Numbers

She couldn't handle it.

James smiled at her when he saw her descending the stairs to the common room. He had no idea that she hadn't gotten to Gryffindor Tower until three that morning. No idea that even now, her head swam, likely from self-induced dehydration. Not a clue how disgusting she was. He beamed in her direction and it made her feel sick.

As she came closer, though, the smile was replaced by a look of concern. "All right, Lily?" he asked, stepping toward her.

"Fine," she said as brightly as she could manage. "Why, does something seem wrong?"

"You look... tired," he supplied. "And you looked like something was bothering you."

"I am tired." Lily clung to the excuse. "Couldn't sleep last night. I'm not really sure why. Probably just worried about my classes and everything."

The small shake of his head and gentle smile made her want to throw up. "You're the best in our year," he reminded her. "You're doing fine in classes. Anyway, why don't we head down to breakfast?"

He took her hand and she tried not to sweat (though, of course, there wasn't much to be done about it). She wasn't sure how to act at breakfast. Part of her-the part that had been struggling to eat for so many months-wanted to put last night behind her, wanted to go down and eat some pastry and forget. The other part told her to bolt, to make excuses and skip breakfast.

But James's hand on hers kept Lily from leaving. The simple comfort of having him there somehow made it easier to breathe, though she fought with the knowledge of a secret lodged in her throat. She took her normal seat next to him at the table. Her classmates filed in gradually.

The smell of food made her feel a little ill. Part of that was hunger, part fear. She craved the apple turnovers that weren't on the menu too frequently, but steamed in front of her now. Instead she filled her plate with fruits and two slices of toast. This, she could handle.

She munched on an apple slice, trying to pretend it was the gooey and flakey turnover. James's hand rested on her thigh, but he was talking to Sirius; Alice was on her other side, but as always, she was wrapped up in Frank. Remus was looking at her soberly, however.

Surely he didn't know. It was too soon. She picked up a slice of toast and bit into it defiantly, lifting her chin as if daring him to comment. It was dry, but she had eaten dry toast for a year. She barely tasted it anymore.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Want a turnover, Lily?" he asked just loudly enough. "I know you love them."

"No thanks," she said lightly. "I'm not too hungry this morning. Those are a little too heavy." She gave him a look that said_ I will kill you and it will hurt_.

"Suit yourself," he murmured. She knew he was testing her. She hated him for it.

* * *

Charms was her best subject.

It was her _best subject_, so why on earth couldn't she focus? Flitwick had them practicing every security charm they knew in preparation for their NEWTs: various locking spells, the Imperturbable Charm, muggle repellent charms, and so on. None of this was new material and she had easily mastered these spells before.

She was partnered with James, as always. The first spell she tried was an advanced locking charm, which rendered the door unable to open without a key charmed by the caster. Her boyfriend, however, was able to undo it with a simple _alohamora_.

"Are you sure you're all right, Lil?" he asked. "We learned that one in fifth year and I know you've got it down."

What was wrong with her? She'd passed her sixth year just fine, despite weighing in the double digits and doing little besides starve and purge. Why now was it so hard for her to focus?

_You weren't conflicted then_, she reminded herself. _You knew what you were doing. There was no question about whether you were going to eat dinner... you thought you had all the answers._

She didn't know if that was why she was so shaken that she couldn't do a fifth-year level locking charm, but what she did know was that she couldn't keep doing this.

"Fine," she murmured. "Just a headache. Why don't you try one?"

He looked at her with a question in his eyes, but performed the charm easily. Lily couldn't open the lock.

* * *

That night Lily had another weigh-in with Pomfrey. She wasn't worried about it-there was no way she'd lost weight from one episode of purging and one day of light eating. But her mind was turning circles trying to figure out the future, and she wasn't sure that she'd be able to fight this relapse. She wasn't sure she wanted to.

"Madame Pomfrey," she said with a smile as she entered the infirmary. "I haven't lost any weight since I came to Hogwarts this year, have I?"

"No, my dear." The Healer smiled. "You've been doing an excellent job."

"Thank you," she answered, then took a breath. "I find that with my support system intact and being focused on school, I don't even really think about food anymore. I eat when I'm hungry, what I want to eat and what I know is healthy. I stop when I'm full and don't worry about what it's doing in my body." She pulled the lines straight from a testimonial given by a supposedly recovered patient endorsing the clinic she had stayed at over the summer.

"That's excellent news." Pomfrey beamed. "Do you feel that this will still apply over the holidays and after school, when things change?"

She pretended to think for a minute, then smiled. "Even when I'm not in school I'll still have my friends and family to support me. And anyway, there's so much going on in the outside world. I doubt, with the war, I'll have time to worry about food or my body."

This sobered the Healer. "Very true, my dear. These are very dark times for us all, and you'll need your strength to make it through."

"Yes, ma'am," Lily said. "But I don't think it'll be a problem. Honestly, the only time I think about food or weight anymore is when I come in here for weigh-ins. I can't help but wonder about my weight when I'm standing on a scale." She held her breath; now was the moment.

The older woman paused in thought. After a moment she said, "To be honest, Lily, I've been giving it some thought. You've made excellent progress since June."

"Thank you," she said modestly. Her gut twisted with guilt, but she didn't let it show.

"I don't think that the weigh-ins are necessary at present," Pomfrey continued. "If you're confident, I'm confident in you. If," she continued, "you promise to continue your meal plan and come to me at the first sign of trouble."

"I promise," she murmured, barely containing her excitement. "Thank you, ma'am."

She practically bounced her way back to the common room. Her mind was racing. It was amazing how quickly it all came back... the urge to run until her calves wouldn't let her walk anymore, the diet tips, the calorie counts. The feeling just beneath her rib cage that seemed simultaneously tense, pulling, pressing, empty and full. That feeling was psychosomatic, she knew. Panic lurking under her skin, ready to be let loose at a moment's notice.

She took her customary spot next to James on the couch, tried to remember what normal conversation sounded like while numbers ricocheted through her head. Remus didn't ask to speak with her privately. He didn't need to. He knew, and there was nothing to be said about it. She was glad not to have to deal with two confrontations in as many nights, but the secret caught between them made her hate herself.


	7. The Invitation

Two weeks later, the letter arrived.

She was sitting at the breakfast table pretending to eat-she had gotten very good again at pretending to eat-when she got her customary Sunday morning package from her parents. Along with the protein bars she had been spending recent nights bingeing on, there was an offwhite envelope with very pink lettering:

_Ms. Lily Evans_  
_Hogwarts School_

She opened it up to find an ornate wedding invitation from her sister. Or, more likely, from her parents, but the end result was the same.

The wedding was to take place over the Christmas holidays, six weeks away, at one of the swankiest clubs in the country. She hadn't met her sister's boyfriend (or fiance, she supposed now), but she had heard all about him. _Vernon works for a drill company_, Petunia had cooed. _He's very high up for his age. Very promising career. He already owns a two-story house and two cars and he's a member of all these high-society organizations!_

None of this had seemed even vaguely appealing to Lily... nor did any of it sound anything like personality. But then, Petunia had always gone for one type: Rich.

She wondered how Petunia would feel if she knew Lily was dating James, a member of one of the wealthiest wizarding families in Europe. He could probably buy Vernon's house twice over without batting an eyelid-and that was just his personal account, let alone his trust fund and what he stood to inherit. He wasn't terribly irresponsible with his money, but Lily knew it was there and plentiful.

She pulled out the response card. There was a place to check if she was bringing a guest... should she invite James? Would that be overstepping, knowing her sister didn't even want her there? Would Petunia let something slip about the last summer? Then again, Lily knew, Petunia's reputation would not allow for any embarrassment on her big day... even if that meant being polite to people she hated or feared.

She knew it was petty, but Lily couldn't resist a chance to make her sister squirm a little bit. "Hey James," she said. "My sister's wedding is over Christmas. Wanna go?"

"The magic-phobic sister you can't stand?" he asked, and grinned when she nodded. "I'd love to."

* * *

Since most seventh-year Gryffindors had a free period after lunch, Lily normally ate with her friends, then slipped up to the prefects' bathroom before joining them again in the common room. As such, her head was aching just a touch while her friend chatted around her.

Severus hadn't spoken to her since that fateful night, and that left an itch between her shoulder blades. She knew it was meant to. But the odd thing was that Remus hadn't either, really. Polite conversation, sure, but there was no more of the friendly comfort, no more of the casually heartfelt conversation they had once shared. Why was he mad at her?

She resolved to find out. But not just now. She couldn't deal with it just now, couldn't deal with the voices swimming through her head. She couldn't focus, couldn't make herself focus, on what was being said; it was as if she heard everything through a thick wall of glass, couldn't quite make out the words. Somehow it was overwhelming. She had to get out.

"I'm going for a run," she announced. Too loudly. She knew she had interrupted whoever was speaking-Peter, by the look on his face-and felt momentarily sorry.

"I'll go too," said James, standing up with her. "Do you have workout clothes with you?"

"Oh, it's fine," she answered too quickly. "I'll be fine on my own. You don't have to go."

"I want to," he answered simply. "Meet back here in five?" She had wanted to be alone, but never minded his company. She nodded, then headed upstairs to change.

She tugged on her typical workout gear: a tee, sweats, trainers, and a jumper to block the cold. Very Muggle, she thought as she finished the look with a pink scrunchie to pull back her hair. But that's what she was, wasn't it? Muggle-born. No need to pretend otherwise.

She met James back down in the common room, and as they made their way to the Entrance Hall she couldn't help but notice his toned physique. He was wearing more traditional wizarding exercise gear: his clothing looked like sleek black wizarding robes, but with a short cloak (much like a jacket) and material that, she knew, was spelled to wick sweat away. Quidditch practice had done him well, she noted, and resolved to outrun him.

"Around the lake?" she suggested as they stretched.

"Nah," he answered. "We won't make it to class in time. Not that I'd really mind missing potions, but. Around the Quidditch pitch a couple laps?"

She wanted outside, away from walls and restrictions and far away from the school. "Let's just run," she suggested, "and see where it takes us."

She took off in the vague direction of the Whomping Willow. James kept up with her easily, so she pushed herself harder. Again he kept pace._ All right_, she thought._ If I can't outrun you I'll just run further._

The world fell away until there was nothing but the pounding of her heart, the pounding of her trainers over grass and stone, the hard breathing of her partner. The itching between her shoulder blades, the pressure in her stomach faded.

She ran without aim, without thought. The white porcelain of the prefects' bathroom disappeared. The pink ink on her sister's wedding invitation was gone. Severus's sneer finally fell from her mind, along with Remus's disappointed glances. She knew they would catch up with her the minute she stopped. They always did. So she didn't stop.

She tired quickly; of course she did, with no energy reserves. Her heart pounded, pounded in her ears and felt like it was going to burst from her chest. The stitch in her side sharpened with every step and her calves burned like nothing else. She glanced to her right and saw sweat pouring down James's face. She kept going. Even after she felt she was going to fall or die with the next step, she ran.

Finally James slowed some. "Let's head back," he suggested.

"Just a little bit further," she pushed. She wasn't stopping until he insisted. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes, the pain was so great. She could barely hear, her vision was blurred at the edges, but there was no way she was going to stop now. Not with the demons still chasing at her heels.

Less than a quarter of a mile later, James gasped out, "Let's stop now." They slowed to a jog. "I won't be able to make it back otherwise."

Grateful at his insistence, she pivoted and they kept up a brisk jog back to the castle. Despite the slowed pace, each step felt like a stab to her side.

Consciousness, as it turns out, is something of a deliberate effort. As long as she kept moving, she knew, she could stay upright. It made sense: you could hardly survive being pursued by, say, a rogue hippogriff or even a bear if you fainted mid-run.

That didn't hold when they reached the castle, however. They paused outside the doors to rest, and Lily felt her head swim as blackness overtook her vision. "Hey James," she said feebly, bending to rest her hands on her knees and trying her best to breathe.

"What's wrong?" he panted out, looking at her with what she imagined was concerned-though his face was awfully fuzzy.

"I think I'm gonna pass out."

* * *

Lily felt the strange and embarrassing sense that she'd been sleeping with her mouth open. She wanted to succumb to the dark, comfortable world of sleep again, but someone was patting her hand and saying her name. Why didn't they let her sleep? But they sounded urgent...

She opened her eyes. Or did she? She couldn't see. "Lily, Lily, Lily," she heard over and over. Slowly her vision cleared and a very upset-looking James crouched above her.

"Shit." She had fainted. For the first time in months, for the third time in her life, she'd passed out. And in front of her boyfriend.

"Lily!" he said frantically, helping her to sit up. "Come back to me now. Are you okay? We need to get you to the hospital wing."

"No!" she squeaked. If nothing else could fully rouse her, panic could. "I just got dehydrated. I just need water."

James conjured a cup, filled it with water from his wand tip, and handed it to her. "Dammit, Lil, why did you push yourself so hard? You scared the shit out of me."

"I'm fine," she snapped, though she felt shaky.

"You fucking passed out," he countered. "You were lying in the snow for over a minute and I couldn't get you to wake up. Do you know how scared I was? What if you had been out on your own today?"

"I'd have woken up a few minutes later, then stumbled my way back to the castle," she answered primly. "Now let's go. We've got to get to potions."

"Not hardly," he scoffed. "You're getting up to bed. You need to rest."

Of course she was exhausted, but she was always exhausted. Still... the idea of rest was too damn tempting to bear. Slughorn wouldn't mind if she missed a class, anyway.

Lily wasn't sure she could make it up to the seventh floor, but didn't know how to avoid all those flights of stairs and certainly wasn't going to ask him carry her. She resolved to pushing herself, as she had been; what else could she do? She followed her boyfriend inside

James stopped short suddenly before they reached the staircase. Before she could ask what was wrong, she realized he had faced a tapestry of a sphinx. She knew she was far from familiar with all of Hogwarts's secret passageways, so didn't question him. "We have to solve a riddle," he murmured. "I'll be frank, I've never been good at them, but it's worth a try."

"_With potent, flowery words speak I,  
Of something common, vulgar, dry;  
I weave webs of pedantic prose,  
In effort to befuddle those,  
Who think I wile time away,  
In lofty things, above all day  
The common kind that linger where  
Monadic beings live and fare;  
Practical I may not be,  
But life, it seems, is full of me!"_

"Um..." Lily's mind blanked. She was normally pretty good at riddles, but she still couldn't really think straight.

James was muttering under his breath. "No, we couldn't have a simple one," he spat. "I don't know why the damn thing wants us to answer a riddle anyway when it could just swing open and let us through. Complicating everything. We may just have to walk up," he said aloud, apologetically.

But James's mumblings had clicked it for her. "A riddle!" she announced triumphantly. The sphinx bowed to her, then swung open.

She stepped through the opening after James, and was surprised to find herself in a corridor she knew to be less than a hundred yards to Gryffindor Tower. "Where'd you learn about this passage?" she asked, grateful and in awe.

He shrugged. "Just figured it out one day. Sirius and I-with the begrudging agreement of Peter and Remus-decided we'd find every secret passage of Hogwarts. We found several other secrets on the way, as well. Pretty much went to every portrait and painting we could reach and talked to the subjects. Some of them will blab anything."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "Hmm. I imagine some of these passages are how you got away with pranks all those years." She was exhausted. Normally a good workout got her blood pumping, and after she'd had a minute to rest, she was ready to do it all over again, but she couldn't shake sleep this time.

She wasn't sure she wanted to handle the stairs to get up to her dormitory, wasn't sure she could. "I'll just curl up on the couch," she suggested.

James seemed to sense what she was thinking, and before she could protest picked her up, bridal-style. "Um, James," she protested as he started walking up the stairs to the left, "you're taking me to the boys' dormitories."

"I can't get up the stairs to the girls'," he answered. "Don't you remember second year?"

She did. Peter had tried to sneak up to the girls' dormitories (why was anybody's guess, but it made her skin crawl to think about it) and they had all giggled to see the stairs transform into a chute, sending him to fall to the ground in a heap.

She chuckled again at the memory. She nearly fell asleep in his arms in the twenty seconds it took him to get to his bedside. He set her on the unmade bed gently, tucking the blanket around her. "Stay?" she murmured it.

He kicked his shoes off and curled next to her, his body forming a cocoon against hers. His warmth on her body, the comfort of his hand skimming over her arm, lulled her very quickly into slumber.

Just before she fell off that cliff into sleep, she heard him murmur something in her ear. Later she would be sure she had imagined it, but it sounded exactly like "I love you."


	8. The Room of Requirement

Author's Note: Guys I'm really sorry chapters keep taking me so long. If you've ever planned a wedding and tried to find a job at the same time you'll understand. Also, look up aerial silks and take a class if you have any nearby because I've never had so much fun nor been so sore. Also also, I really want to make this a LE/RL story. I'm not going to; Lily and James are already dating and I like where the story's heading, it's just that my serious crush on Remus is showing through here. If you review, please answer this: If, after I finish this story, I decide to "reboot" it and make it LE/RL, will you read it? I'll have it centered more in 6th year, the plot will be different, but the premise the same, with Lily and an eating disorder and maybe a few of the same events (but tweaked, obviously, because of the relationship difference). I totally get if you don't want to read the same premise for a story twice but I really want to write it. Please say yes. I'll probably write it anyway, actually, but I'd like to know if y'all are interested.

* * *

"Whoa! Skipping class to do the dirty?"

Lily sat bolt upright at the sound of Sirius's voice. Her face colored to match her hair as she remembered where she was. "No no no," she was quick to explain. "We were just tired after our run!"

Sirius looked thoroughly amused. Beside her, James stirred and sat up, taking quick inventory of the situation. "It's not what it looks like," he assured his friend. "As much as I might wish it was."

Peter and Remus filed in after Sirius. Peter squeaked and blushed. "What's going on here?" asked Remus. His voice was level, not full of the humor that Sirius's held.

"Again, not what it looks like." James pulled the blankets back to demonstrate that they were both in workout gear; Lily realized she was still wearing her shoes. "Lily got a little dehydrated and fainted after our run. I didn't want her to have to climb the stairs, so I brought her up here."

"Are you all right, Lil?" Peter asked. She nodded, but she was looking at Remus.

She couldn't read what was in his eyes. Silently she begged him not to make an issue of it, not to say anything. "Why didn't you take her to the hospital wing?" he finally asked. She winced.

"She didn't want to go," James answered with a shrug. "All there was to it. She's just dehydrated."

"Lily, can I speak with you for a minute?" His tone made it clear that Remus wasn't really asking a question.

She couldn't avoid it much longer; she knew she couldn't. "Let's take a walk," she said miserably. She leaned over to kiss James. "I'll explain when I get back," she whispered to him. He nodded. A rush of affection flowed through her for his trusting nature; she was so glad he didn't press then. She hadn't come up with any excuses yet.

They didn't speak. Her heart hammered as they walked, and her hands were shaking just a little. Lily merely followed Remus until he got where he wanted to go-which, it seemed to Lily, was nowhere. Or, to be more specific, the seventh-floor corridor directly in front of a tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy.

"We really shouldn't have a conversation in the middle of the corridor," she said as her friend started pacing. He merely shook his head and continued to pace back and forth.

And suddenly, there appeared a door across from the tapestry. Lily wondered why she was surprised; with this crew she was always learning new secrets of Hogwarts.

He opened the door and stepped in without a word. She followed him and shut the door behind her. The room was small, with two oversize chairs facing one another; one wall was lined with a mirror. Remus sat facing the mirror, so Lily took the chair facing away from it.

For a moment they merely looked at each other. He looked nearly angry-she wasn't sure she'd ever seen her friend angry, but this was as close as it had gotten.

"You fainted," he said finally. "You fainted and you just decided you'd go nap it off in your oblivious boyfriend's arms."

"I was just dehydrated," she protested. "I'm fine now." Which was almost true.

"You're purging again," he said it simply. "That's not fine. Not when you're fainting-already. Only, what, two weeks now? Three? How long did it take you to faint the first time, after all this started? How long will it take you next time?"

Her chin went up pridefully. "I just outran myself. It's not going to happen again and I encourage you to butt out."

Now pride shone in his tawny eyes, and a gleam of something-else. "You said it wouldn't happen again the first time. Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Could've fooled me," she murmured.

"James," Remus said simply. "He doesn't know."

"No," she said primly, "nor will he. It's my business, wouldn't you say?"

"I'd say it's his business if you're killing yourself in front of him, actually." He snapped it, then took a breath to regain his composure. "Anyway, he's going to figure it out if you keep losing weight this way."

"What?" Genuinely surprised, Lily looked down at her form. "But... I haven't lost any weight." Much to her dismay, her form had remained the same. She would know; she spent a considerable amount of time looking at herself in the mirror, pinching at her sides, her cheeks.

"Take your shirt off," he demanded. When her eyebrows shot up he waved her surprise away. "Not like that. You're wearing a sports bra, so you'll mostly be covered. Just take it off and look into the mirror."

Remus never did anything without a reason, she knew. So she pulled off her jumper and tee, then stood and turned toward the mirror. She hated having Remus there, staring at her-but he wasn't staring, was he? He was looking at the mirror, but at his own face.

She was disgusted, as usual, by the sight in front of her. A bulging stomach, thighs that not only touched but pressed into each other grotesquely, arms that looked disproportionately large. Chipmunk cheeks.

She looked now at Remus in the mirror, waiting for him to say something. But that wasn't Remus-or, it was, but different somehow. His face seemed harder in the mirror, his eyes more menacing. The subtle scars on his face were prominent in his reflection, and he looked... more like a werewolf.

"But that's not you," she protested. "You don't look like that! What spell is on this mirror?"

"And _that's_ not you," he answered, nodding toward her own reflection. "This mirror is spelled to show what someone perceives themselves to look like. We are our own worst critics, as the saying goes."

"Why would something like that be here?" she wondered aloud. "Who thought to make this room?"

"I did," he answered, "now put your shirt on and let's go back out."

Puzzled, she followed him. As soon as the door shut, it disappeared and he began to pace yet again. Soon it was back.

"What are you doing?" Lily finally asked.

"This is called the Room of Requirement, or the Come and Go room. It serves the seeker's needs. First I asked for a room to show what was perceived by the person. This time, I asked for a room to show the way they truly are, the way others perceive them."

She still didn't quite understand, but followed him again. At his barked order she removed her shirt a final time, and looked in the mirror once again.

And was taken aback by what she saw. The girl in front of her (she refused to think of this form as herself) wasn't disgustingly thin, but certainly slimmer than what she saw in herself. Her face looked thin, but her cheeks were a little puffy-they looked more swollen than fat, but not terribly so. She knew that purging caused swollen cheeks and imagined it was a recent development. Her body was more angular than she had realized. Collarbones were more visible, and ribs, and her hip bones protruded just the slightest amount. She realized she looked much like the girls she envied.

She started to say something to Remus, but when she tore her gaze from her body, she saw that he was mesmerized at his own image. "Remus?" she said softly. "You're nothing, nothing like what you see yourself to be." She wanted to comfort the boy who thought he was a monster.

"The same can be said," he answered, finally looking at her. "You know if you lost much more weight he'd start asking questions. He's already noticed that you're getting thin again."

She shook her head. "He hasn't said anything," she corrected him. "Hasn't acted any different."

"Not in front of you," he answered. "But at night, before bed? We've talked about it. He thinks you're so stressed with classes that you're forgetting to eat. But you eat enough he's not worried about it, he says, so it's not worth mentioning."

"Well that settles the matter," the girl shot back. "I'm eating enough, so it's not worth worrying about."

"You haven't told him about the purging. Or the restricting."

She merely glared at him for a moment, but she couldn't keep her eyes off the mirror for long. She looked down at her body and couldn't reconcile it with what she saw in the mirror... but with Remus's reflection for comparison, she knew it must be true. Her therapist had talked about body dysmorphia, but she had never understood it until now.

Still, she saw flaws in the mirror-girl. Her thighs could be thinner. Her hip bones could stick out more, and her ribs. And those damned cheeks of hers.

"No," she finally answered. "I haven't told him about the purging. I'm not going to tell him about the purging, or the restricting, or any of it."

"He's loved you since we were twelve years old."

He was fighting dirty and they both knew it. "You can't love someone you don't know," she said, shamefaced. "And he wouldn't, couldn't, if he knew me." That had boiled inside her for the extent of their relationship, and it brimmed near the surface now. He couldn't find out because she couldn't be without him.

"You're not giving him the chance."

"I can't!" she exploded. "I can't. Don't you understand? I don't want to lose him. Not yet. I know I'll have to eventually because I can't hide this forever."

"Very well," he conceded. "You're wrong, and you're not giving him as much credit as he deserves, but I can't change your mind for you."

"Thank you," she muttered. She tugged her shirt back on, then flopped onto her chair. "I don't know what to do."

Remus sat across from her. "You could stop this," he suggested. "I know it's not as easy as all that, but you've done it once. You can fight it again."

"I can't," she whispered as a lump rose in her throat. "I can't. Especially now... knowing that I've made progress." The girl in the mirror was intoxicating. The potential was more so.

"You can't?" he asked quietly. "Or won't?"

"Both!" she burst. "I can't. I don't want to. I won't." Her throat cracked and, to her horror, tears started streaming. "I can't. I can't." She curled up on the chair and tucked her knees to her chest.

"Why?" She was grateful that he didn't move to comfort her. It wasn't what she needed. "Why, when you were able to before?"

"Because it won't last. You don't understand. When this... this relapse happened. It killed me. I hated myself more than I ever have. I thought it was because nothing was going right, I thought that was why I did it before. But now, when everything in my life is good... everything except this. It won't stop. It'll always come back and I can't keep fighting." She was mortified to be admitting this, even to her best friend, even to the person who understood her more than anyone. They both knew what it was to have to hide fundamental parts of themselves.

"You can fight this," he urged her. "You know your other choices: Live with this forever or let it kill you."

Before, she'd have gladly chosen the third option, but she had seen in her months of recovery what she had to live for. She didn't know if she could handle a lifetime of this. It was terrifying. Devastating, just to think of a Lily ten years hence with her head in the toilet. A fresh set of sobs wracked her body. She was too tired for that. Too tired even to consider it.

"You don't have to start today," said Remus after several long minutes. "You don't have to start this week. But some time or another, you're going to have to make the decision to stand up or to be consumed."

He stood and, without another word, left the room. She stood at length and went back to the mirror. She couldn't believe the drastic difference, but couldn't take her eyes off of the flaws.

No, she couldn't fight it. Not until she was fifteen or twenty pounds thinner.

* * *

It was another fifteen minutes before she made it back to Gryffindor Tower. James was waiting for her in his customary place on the couch; the rest of the room was deserted.

"It's dinner," he said. "Do you want to go down?"

"In a minute," she answered. "I owe you an explanation, yeah?"

James smiled, patted the couch. "I trust you and you have every right to talk to Remus-but I would like to know why he dragged you out of the room that way, and he wouldn't say."

She sat next to him, leaned into him. God, she couldn't lose this. He was too warm. She recited the spiel she'd come up with while standing before the mirror. "Last year, I was really stressed. Severus and I had had a falling out, you know, and I didn't really have any friends. Alice, but we've never been all that close. Between that and some tension at home I was just a massive case of anxiety and I couldn't relax. I spent lunches in the library trying to avoid looking at Severus and trying to make sure I could still do well in classes even though I was distracted all the time, and I just forgot to eat a lot. I lost some weight and it worried Remus. He wanted to make sure I'm not doing that again."

"I noticed you, last year." She went tense at his admission. "You always seemed like you were in a hurry and you got very thin. You're not forgetting to eat again, are you? I don't want you to get sick."

He didn't know. She breathed out. "No," she answered. Technically it was true. "I mean, I guess a little bit. I just get busy and don't think about it, but I'll be careful." That was definitely a lie. Food was all she thought about. Just now her stomach was gnawing at her, raw and angry.

James smiled in relief. "On that note, let's go down to dinner."

She made sure to eat a full meal that evening: a pork chop with a side of mashed potatoes and carrots, and even had a few bites of the ice cream that was served for dessert. She didn't go to the bathroom after. Her stomach seemed to bulge uncomfortably and the familiar panic set under her skin, but she merely followed her friends back to the common room and did her very best to maintain conversation. At the end of the night she crawled into bed, somehow still worn by the day's events despite the nap she'd had only a few hours before.

She was in no shape to wage a war against herself, but tonight, she had won a small battle.


	9. Cokeworth and Plans Changed

Author's Note: So, for a story that promised to have few author's notes, there sure are a lot of them. Whoops. First, thanks so much for all the great reviews! It's really uplifting, especially since this story can be so hard to write. Secondly, though I really appreciate all the positive feedback, I'm not going to "reboot" porcelain in a LE/RL fashion. I "decided" to rewrite in a 4am too-much-coffee-not-enough-sleepy haze (which is also how most of the last chapter came about, but I'm not unhappy with it). I have a serious weak spot for Remus, but he needs his own story. Thirdly, the longer my insomnia rages, the more story I seem to be churning out. I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or I just want to effing sleep.

I'm pretty sure I mostly want to sleep.

* * *

Life, Lily knew, was nothing like a book. It didn't go in a pattern of bad things happening, a climactic moment and then an upswing and happily ever after. In books, the heroine suffered, but she suffered beautifully and with grace.

There was nothing beautiful nor graceful about her struggle.

There were good days-excellent ones where she ate because she wanted to and kept it down for the same reason. But more frequently, much more frequently, there were bad days.

Today was definitely in the latter category. It was only breakfast, but she could tell that already. There was only a week left before Christmas holidays, and Lily was nervous to say the least.

Her parents were going to notice that she had lost weight. She was able to see it herself, now... especially with the aid of the Room of Requirement, which she had been visiting regularly. She was happy with her progress but knew her family would see it differently. Would they pull her out of school? Could they do that, since she was (in the eyes of the Wizarding world) of age?

She was pulled out of her mental stew when an owl swooped in front of her and dropped a letter onto the toast she wasn't eating. She wasn't expecting anything from her parents today and wasn't sure who else would bother writing. She opened the letter immediately.

_Dear Ms. Evans,_

_Please report to my office after breakfast. Any tardiness to your first class will be excused._

_Professor Dumbledore_

_P.S. Feel free to bring Mr. Potter with you. The password is Gobstoppers._

Her heart thudded. Why did he want to see her? Surely he didn't know about her... habits. What if he did? What would happen to her then?"

_Calm down_, she ordered herself. _You're being stupid_. No way would Dumbledore invite James along if that was what this was about. She was merely paranoid. She waited for her heart to slow down to its normal rate, then turned to her boyfriend, who looked curious about the letter but unwilling to pry. "Dumbledore wants to see us after breakfast," she explained. "No idea what he wants."

"Maybe Head stuff," he suggested. "With the end of term and all, we probably have duties." Now she definitely felt stupid; of course that was the case.

* * *

She gave the password to the stone gargoyle standing guard outside of the headmaster's office. As they stood on the moving staircase, it occurred to Lily that she and James had had very little alone time lately. She shifted a little closer to him, leaned into him.

Even when the staircase stopped, she made no move toward the door. Instead she turned toward her boyfriend, stood on her tiptoes and angled her head for a kiss. "I'm going to miss you over break," she told him. "We'll have my sister's wedding, at least."

"We may be able to find time together aside from that," he answered, running his fingers through her hair. "Actually I was thinking-"

She didn't get to find out what he was thinking; the office door opened and they sprang apart. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he said, "Ah, Lily and James, come in, come in. I was wondering if you were on your way. Lemon drop?"

Lily accepted a sweet. Hard candies had to be her major food weakness; anyway, they were fat-free. She let the sweet, tart candy roll over her tongue as she took a seat.

"I imagine you wonder why I asked for you to come here," said the headmaster after he had sat. "Lily, have you been doing well?"

"Fine, thank you," she answered automatically.

He looked at her in a way that made her feel as though she were being looked through. "Very well. I brought you here because I have grave news. Cokeworth has, for reasons unknown, been subject to much targeting by Voldemort and his allies."

She felt her eyes go wide. She looked over to James, but he seemed confused. "My family?"

"Fine," he assured her.

"What about... Severus? Is his family all right? What about the Muggles?" Every bone in her body wanted to spring into action.

The old man's hands rested on his desk. "There have been more deaths. Mr. Snape's father was one casualty; his mother remains in good health. It would appear that only Muggles have been targeted."

Her heart sank. "How is he? Severus?"

"You'll have to ask that of him, I'm afraid. He has chosen, at my suggestion, to remain at Hogwarts over the holidays."

Lily thought about Cokeworth: about her childhood playmates, her parents' coworkers. She had never loved the town; the river that flowed near it was filthy, there was pollution and poverty everywhere. Her parents, comfortably in the middle-class bracket, were some of the wealthiest people in town. She had never taken that for granted, but had also never felt at home there. Most of the other children had assumed she would be snobbish (which she very well was not) and wouldn't approach her. Perhaps that was why Petunia was so eager to marry someone wealthy, who lived in Little Whinging-a prosperous and suburban town. It was certainly part of why she herself had been so eager to come to Hogwarts. They had both sought escape, in their own way.

"What can be done to protect my family?" she asked. "They can't protect themselves."

"Everything that can be done, shall be done. I urge you not to worry." She didn't trust his reassuring smile, but did trust that he wouldn't promise to do his best unless he was going to follow through.

"Is that all?" she asked, coldness spiking her voice without her meaning it to. "Or may we go back to class?"

"Lily," James admonished in a whisper. "I know you're worried, but still."

"I'm sorry, Professor," she said, properly ashamed. "I didn't mean to snap. I'm just worried for my family."

"No one can blame you, my dear," the older man said kindly. "There is actually one more thing. I have to ask you not to return home for Christmas."

"But you said only Muggles have been targeted!" she protested. "And my sister's getting married. I can't miss that."

Dumbledore suddenly looked very old, older than he had ever seemed to her before. She noticed each crease of his face, the generous bags beneath his eyes. "I understand, but you must accept that patterns aren't always followed. In truth, Lily, as a Muggle-born you may be at just as much risk. Voldemort and his ilk hold very pure-blood supremacist ideas."

She nodded, the weight of it pressing on her chest. Would she ever be able to go home again?

"Stay with me," James said suddenly.

"What?" She blinked at him.

"Stay with me," he repeated. "We can still go to your sister's wedding. I'm sure my parents would love to have you, there's loads of bedrooms and everything."

"I just... um. If you think they'd allow it. But make sure they're really okay with it first. I don't want to impose."

James stood. "Professor," he said conversationally, "may I use your Floo?"

"Absolutely, my boy." The twinkle was back in Dumbledore's eyes. She wondered how the hell he did that.

Her boyfriend walked over to the fireplace, took a pinch of powder and threw it down. "Potter Manor!" he called out to the bright green flame, but didn't step inside.

Moments later a head appeared in the ember. "Oh James dear," spoke a feminine voice, "please tell me that you haven't gotten in trouble for making the Giant Squid dance again, or some such thing. I simply don't have the time to beat you between the laundry and the dishes today."

James laughed, and it was full and long. "I've missed you, Mum. No, I'm not in trouble today."

"Call the presses!" she chortled. "What can I do for you. Oh hello, Professor Dumbledore. And...?"

"Lily Evans," supplied James. "I've told you about her."

"Nice to meet you," Lily stammered. This was not the meet-the-parents conversation she'd been expecting.

"Oh I've heard all about you, my dear. James, you need to bring this lovely young lady over for dinner sometime during the holidays." It was still surreal for Lily. She had never spoken with someone via fireplace before, and it took some getting used to.

"Actually Mum," said James, "I was hoping we could do one better. Lily's hometown has been targeted by Death Eaters and-"

"Of course she's welcome to stay with us!" interrupted Mrs. Potter. Lily let out a breath. "Is your family all right, dear?"

"Yes, ma'am, they're fine," she answered. "Um, I appreciate the offer. Are you sure it won't be any trouble?"

"Absolutely!" the older woman insisted. "Listen, between my husband and my boys, I need a woman around here."

It pleased Lily to know that she would be welcomed, and by such a warm and loving woman. She had even mentioned her "boys"-obviously Sirius had been accepted as one of the family. She could only hope that her reception would be an equally good one, and that Mr. Potter would be as welcoming. And, of course, that they were just oblivious enough not to notice her eating habits.

After more pleasantries were exchanged and Mrs. Potter's head disappeared from the fire, Dumbledore said, "Now that's settled, I'll not keep you too much longer. James, my boy, you may be free to join your class; I'd like to speak to Lily just a moment longer."

James chanced a kiss to Lily's cheek before heading out the door; the headmaster didn't comment on that. "What can I do for you, professor?" Her palms began to sweat.

It struck Lily again how old he looked, and that she felt as though he was peering straight through her. "Is there... anything you wish to tell me, Miss Evans? Anything at all?"

"No, sir," she said after a long and quiet moment. So he had figured it out.

"Very well."

* * *

After classes, she made quick work of tracking down Severus. He was a creature of habit and his habit was the library.

"I want to talk to you," she said, sitting down beside him.

He raised one eyebrow, not setting down his book. "You didn't want to talk to me two months ago."

"No, I didn't," she answered honestly. "But I do now. I heard about your father. I'm sorry."

"I'm not." His coldness stung her, though she wasn't the target. "He was never a father to me anyway. A useless Muggle who used his fists on anyone who used a wand."

She nodded. "That's true. How is your mother?"

"She killed him." He said it flatly. "Or if she didn't do it, it was done for her."

If she had thought there was cold before, it was nothing compared to the ball of ice that now formed in her stomach. "No," she whispered. "No, there have been attacks on Muggles throughout the town. Since the summer, you remember."

"Better than you, I expect. Given that I was there." He sneered. "Anyway, I suppose there's no secret that there are Princes with death eater ties. My mother's not one herself but whoever's been doing this is doing it for her."

"Tell them to stop," she said firmly. "I know you've got Death Eater friends; don't try to deny it or I'll call you a liar. Tell them to stop."

"I can't. You know I would if I could. Father's dead. I have nothing against any other Muggles in the godforsaken town, except perhaps your sister and I wouldn't do that to you. But really... what would you have me do? Politely ask the Dark Lord to stop doing murder?"

"It doesn't mean anything to them." Suddenly she was tired, too tired. "They used doing your mother a favor as a handy excuse, but it was just that. An excuse to kill Muggles. If Cokeworth happened to be a handy spot, so be it."

"Exactly. There's nothing I can do. And before you ask, if I ask them to avoid doing your family harm, they'll kill them out of spite." Severus finally set his book down and looked her in the eyes. "I'm sorry, Lily." She knew he referred to more than the situation in Cokeworth.

"I know. Are you Marked, yet?" If he could be cold, so could she.

Severus winced. "Lily, I-"

"You'd have said no, if that was your answer." She sighed, and her heart ached. Had they once been best friends? Was this the boy who had once told her that being Muggle-born made no difference?

"I want us to be friends again," he whispered. "I miss that."

Though it hurt her to say it, she had to stand for her beliefs. "There's a tattoo in between the past and the present, Severus. And in between you and me. It's on your left arm now."

"I only joined because I didn't see another way," he insisted. "I couldn't..."

"What?" she snapped when he didn't continue.

He looked down, but not before she saw his eyes swimming. "I couldn't stand to be alone anymore."

Oh, she ached for him. She did. But how could she be there for someone who had ties with the monsters who were murdering her neighbors, and people across the country? She planned to fight the Death Eaters after school... how could she befriend one now?

"How long?" she finally asked.

He didn't say anything for a long moment, then, "After I talked to you last."

"Not long," she murmured. "Oh, Severus, how could you do this to yourself? You know what he's going to make you do."

"He wants me for potions," he answered. "Poisons."

She nodded; she could see it. She hated that she could see it. "At least you don't have to get your hands dirty," she sneered. "Don't have to do any of the killing with your wand. Don't have to look into their eyes as the life leaves them."

"Please, Lily," he begged. "I've made mistakes. So have you. Does James still not know about that nasty little habit of yours?"

"Shut up," she snapped. She moved to stand, but he grabbed her wrist. "Take your hand off of me before I take it off of you."

"Talk to me. Tell me why... why this." He removed his hand and used it to gesture at her body.

"Why I have a body? Why I'm in the library? Why I'm still standing and talking to the most ignorant jerk on the planet?"

"You know what I mean. Why did you start... doing this, all that time ago? And why did you start back up recently? It's obvious," he pointed out, "so don't deny it or _I'll_ call _you_ a liar."

She deliberated for a moment. "I can't pinpoint one exact cause," she said honestly. "But I can tell you that both times, your actions pulled the trigger."

He was stunned into silence just long enough for her to flee.

Back in the common room, James didn't ask why tears streamed down her face. He merely stood and opened his arms while their friends looked on in silence. She folded into them and shook with silent sobs. Against his strong, sturdy form, she thought that she might break.


	10. The Potters

She couldn't sit still. She tried to read, but couldn't focus. She made more rounds than she needed to, checked each compartment three or four times. She jiggled her legs. She tapped her fingers against her thighs in a rhythm no one could hear. She tried to pay attention to her friends' conversation and couldn't stay in tune with that either.

"Lily!" said Sirius, jarring her out of her little trance. "Snap out of it."

"Sorry," she sighed. "Just nervous, I guess."

He snorted. "Lil, the Potters are the least nerve-inducing people on the planet. Seriously, they like everybody. They'll love you. Chill."

"As much as I hate to say it," Remus teased, "Sirius is right. Plus I'll be there starting the day after Christmas. If on the off chance you're unhappy there, we can hide out in the woods somewhere and read."

"You can always visit me," volunteered Peter.

James squeezed Lily's arm reassuringly. "We'll all meet up in London one day, Peter. Grab lunch and all that. Lil, don't worry. Mum's already written me about how excited she is to have you and how you seem great."

She smiled and leaned into James. In truth, it wasn't the Potters she was worried about. Well, not specifically. She was worried about food... but then, wasn't she always?

She would figure it out when she got there, she decided. Somehow.

* * *

Her stomach knotted itself when they arrived at King's Cross station. Her parents wouldn't be meeting her here, as they always had before. They had understood why she wasn't coming home, and expressed that they were looking forward to meeting James at the wedding. But she knew they missed her, and the same went for her. This summer, she'd find a way to get them out of Cokeworth. She owed them that.

She had seen James's parents before, she supposed, but at a distance. Still, Mr. Potter wasn't hard to spot; he looked just like James, but with blue eyes and hair that was nearly all white. Her first impression was that they were older than she had expected; her second impression was that Mrs. Potter was soft and very warm, as she was pulled into a hug even before the greeting.

She felt the knot loosen. No, she wasn't going home, but this was good enough. It had to be.

"Lily!" said Mr. Potter pleasantly. "We've heard so much about you. For years," he added with a sly wink in James's direction.

The younger boy blushed. "Shut up, dad," he muttered.

"Tsk, tsk, mouthing off to your father," said Mrs. Potter teasingly. "We'll have to shut your hands in the oven for that one. Or perhaps force you to eat flobberworms instead of the pork roast and chocolate pie we've got for dinner."

Lily laughed freely. "Years, huh?" she asked Mr. Potter, more at ease by the moment. "I hope mostly good things, although I imagine you've heard a few of the names I called him in the earlier days."

"Him, and others," he chuckled. "I admit I like 'toerag' the best." These were definitely the coolest old people she had met in her life.

Lily blushed, laughed with them. "I haven't had to use any of the good ones for most of the year, though. Without being able to torture James by ignoring him, my year's been rather boring."

"I can imagine," teased Mrs. Potter. "Now, let's get home. Dinner's waiting."

* * *

The home was gigantic. She supposed she should have expected that. It didn't quite fall into mansion territory, but she imagined it was close. James gave her a quick tour ("Put her in one of the bedrooms on the opposite side of the house to yours," insisted Mrs. Potter) and Lily was relieved to find that her "room" was in fact more of a suite, with (yes!) a private bathroom. There had to be at least ten bedrooms. Who would ever need this much house?

_Oh yes_, she thought wickedly._ Petunia would absolutely die if she knew_.

Dinner was, indeed, put on the table less than fifteen minutes after their arrival. Lily found it easy to pretend to eat: With all the conversation being tossed around the table, no one was paying too much attention to what was on her plate. So she cut her pork into the tiniest of pieces, putting one in her mouth only on occasion, and pushed the rest around her plate. By the time the meal was finished it looked as though she had eaten substantially more than she had. She was, in a way that she knew to be sick, quite proud of herself.

Dessert was much harder. How did you pretend to eat pie? "I'm really not sure I can eat any more," she insisted to Mrs. Potter as she started to serve Lily the first slice. "I'm sure it's wonderful, but I'm quite full."

"You didn't eat anything on the train," James said to her. "Nor for breakfast. Your stomach probably just can't tell it's hungry because of all the excitement today. Go ahead, have a small slice at least."

Shit. "Oh, all right, but really just a small one, please."

"Of course, dear," said Mrs. Potter. She handed Lily a plate with what looked to her like a huge slice. It was substantially smaller than the first piece, which Sirius was now delightfully inhaling, but it made her stomach tense.

She took it bite by bite. By the fourth bite she was full. By the sixth she wanted to throw up.

She finished her slice around the same time as everyone else; she was very careful to pace herself in that way. She couldn't bare to be the one to finish last, with eyes on her. And to finish first was even worse.

Lily was going to offer to help with the dishes, if only to have something to get her mind off of her stomach, but Mrs. Potter merely cleared them with a wave of her wand and the group continued to chat over the table. She tapped her fingers anxiously against her thigh. She knew her breath was going ragged, despite her best efforts to control it.

"Are you okay?" James murmured into her ear while the others were absorbed in conversation about broomstick regulations.

"Yes. No," she whispered back. "No probably not, but maybe. I can be. Maybe not. I don't know." God she felt stupid.

"Shh," he soothed. "Come on."

He stood, gently tugged her up with him. "I'm going to show Lily the grounds," he announced. The men gave absent nods, caught up in fierce debate over whether foot rests should be permitted in Quidditch; Mrs. Potter smiled and waved them away.

"What's the matter?" he asked as soon as they were outside.

She shook her head. She couldn't explain it, couldn't tell him now and ruin the holiday. Ruin her for him. She was shaking, wanted to throw up and cry and run and hide and fall apart. She sucked in a trembling breath, and the cold air sent shards into her lungs.

"Here, sit with me," he said, gesturing to the steps.

She remained standing. "Actually I need a few minutes alone. Okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She stammered it.

"Quit apologizing," he ordered gently. "I can go inside for a bit, or you can walk-the woods, just through there, are my favorite place to go when I need to be anywhere else but here."

"Thank you," she said sincerely. "I'll be back soon, I promise."

He took her face in his hand, tilted it toward his, kissed her gently. Amazing how calming his skin was to her.

Not calming enough to justify that monstrous slice of pie, but enough that she stopped shaking. She squeezed his free hand before she walked toward the woods where he had gestured.

Once she was sure he couldn't see her anymore, she broke into a run. When she was positive she was outside of hearing distance, she pulled back her hair and bent at the waist.

She didn't need to use her fingers, not when her belly was full and her mind racing; she merely clenched the muscles in her stomach and tried to blink away the sting in her eyes. Oh, she hated herself. She was humiliated beyond belief.

She pulled her wand out of her pocket, pointed it at the mess she'd made and whispered, "Evanesco." There was a hole in the snow now, where she could see the dead grass beneath.

She pointed the wand at herself now, nonverbally cleaned herself up as was her routine. Then she merely leaned against a tree, tried to remember what normal breathing was supposed to be.

Panic attack. Lily knew what they were, had had a few. But why now? The damn pie could've waited. But no, she'd had to embarrass herself in front of James. With no logical explanation to give him.

No point putting it off, she thought. She pushed off from the tree and began to walk.

* * *

"... and that's why I flipped out," Lily finished. She held her breath.

James only stared at her. "You had a panic attack," he said slowly, "because when you were little you choked on a bite of pie and now it makes you anxious."

"You know I'm a stress case," she said desperately. "And the entire day's been stressful. It was just the tip of the iceberg."

He nodded. "Okay," he said. She breathed out slowly. Was it as simple as all that?

"I feel stupid," she said honestly.

"You should," the boy answered and it felt like a slap across her face.

She raised her brows, her back up. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," he answered. "Lil, you don't need to lie to me."

"I just-I-I um..." she stammered. "What?" _No, no, no._ Her hands shook. Blood roared in her ears. She was about to lose him, she knew it.

"I don't know what's going on," said the boy, sitting down on the front steps. "But I know when I'm being lied to. I care about you."

"I care about you, too," she whispered. "That's why I can't tell you." Her eyes started to fill.

"No no no, don't cry," he said, suddenly desperate. "Look Lily, you can tell me anything."

"But I can't." She took in a ragged breath, heard the tears in it as they started to fall. "Please understand. I don't want to lose you."

James ran a stressed hand through his hair. "I can't understand until you tell me, Lily. What could possibly be so bad that you can't tell me? You know how long I chased after you. Chasing me away won't be easy." He reached a hand up to hers, tugged her gently down to the steps. He placed a hand on her shoulder.

She shook her head. "Please just understand," she whispered, "this is so hard for me." Her world was crashing at her feet. She couldn't remember being this... this miserable, not since the intervention where her family had told her she was going to the clinic.

"You're not going to lose me," James said, his voice soothing now. He squeezed her gently. "I swear it. I care too much for you to let... whatever this is, tear us apart."

"Then please," she begged, "don't ask me to tell you. I swear it's nothing... against you. It's not hurting anybody. It's just..." There was no way she could think to explain it without giving it away. "Something I have to work on."

She shut her eyes, willing the tears to stop, willing her strength to come back. Her pulse fluttered fast as butterfly wings, pounded harder than a hammer. She was going to lose him because she couldn't tell him. She couldn't tell him or, she just knew it, she was going to lose him.

After a long, long stretch of silence, James nodded. "I trust you, Lily," he murmured. "Strange to say I trust the liar, but I do."

It stung, but it was meant to. "I'm not a liar," she defended. "Not in any other situation."

"That's why I trust you," he said in that soothing tone he was so good at. "Relax. Come here." He pulled her so she was leaning back against his muscular chest, held on to her tightly. She fought to control her breathing so the tears wouldn't come back.

They sat for a few minutes without making conversation. She calmed down gradually, aided by James's kissing the top of her head and murmuring reassurances in her ear. Somehow her mood leveled out; he wasn't going to leave her after all, and more, he had reassured her that she needn't walk on eggshells. She resolved to show her appreciation to him somehow soon.

"I'm sorry," she said at length. "Please understand that I can't tell you right now, but I will. When I can."

He nodded again. "I wish you trusted me the way I trust you," he told her. "But for now we'll let it lie. Why don't we go back inside? My parents go to bed right after dinner, so you, Sirius and I will have the house to ourselves."

"So much house," she chuckled. "We could probably scream at the top of our lungs at the entrance and no one in the kitchen could hear us."

"Except my mother," he teased. "She hears everything."

She pulled away from him, offered a sly grin. "I know a spell that could fix that," she teased, thinking of the Muffliato that Severus had invented. "We could be as loud as we wanted and she'd never hear a thing."

"Well, that's an idea," he said. "Come on. I'll help you unpack your things."


	11. Christmas

Author's Note: Saucy scene ahead-no sex and nothing terribly graphic, but if it bothers you, skip to the break! Just a quick reminder that life goes on even when our minds are in dark places. :) Don't worry, the story won't become a total smut-fest. This chapter is some happy and some fluff, because next chapter is some action and some dark. I'm trying to lighten the story and keep it from being terribly dark/depressing, because that's not how life is. Even in the darkest times there are happy moments.

Once again, thanks so much for all the reviews. I've got a job interview tomorrow (at a place I used to work, so I know 100% I've got the job) so after this week updates may be further apart. I'll try and pound out as much as I can between now and then without killing the story.

* * *

As soon as they entered her room, she shut and lucked the door. "Muffliato," she murmured. "Now no one can hear us."

Suddenly, and for the first time in Lily's memory, James seemed awkward and unsure of himself. "Um, good. Ah, why don't we unpack your things?"

She smirked, inwardly hoping she was taking this in the right direction. "Oh, that can wait," she purred, stepping toward him. "After all..." she traced a finger gently over his shoulder.

"After all?" he prompted her after a moment.

"After all..." she stepped closer, so there was barely a finger's width between them, stood on tiptoes so their lips were very, very close. "It's awfully warm in here. I'm going to change into pajamas."

She had the satisfaction of his looking absolutely baffled before she turned toward her trunk. "You'll stay a moment," she ordered over her shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll keep my back turned so you don't see anything... indecent."

She slowly removed her cloak, her jumper, her shoes. One by one she undid the buttons on her blouse, slid it gently over her shoulders. She knew he was watching her from behind, and because he was, she bent over more than she had to in order to shimmy out of her skirt. She unhooked her bra and tossed it carelessly behind her. That left her in socks and green cotton panties, a close match to her eyes. She pulled the Scrunchie out of her hair and shook it out so it spilled over her back.

Again she bent more than was strictly necessary to pull the thin nightgown from her trunk. She slipped it on, then schooled her face into an innocent look before turning to face him. "Why don't you take your cloak and jumper off?" she suggested. "It's much warmer out here than it was out there. You look a little flushed."

"I'll say," he muttered, but took off the offending clothing.

Again, she sauntered up to him, this time pressing her body flush against his-and was satisfied to find him stiff. "Kiss me," she ordered softly, her arms wrapping around his neck.

His hands wrapped around the small of her back as he did just that. They had kissed before, of course, but it was always... something like chaste. Lily opened her mouth, gently, experimentally.

It was all the invitation James needed. He kissed her with passion that went straight to Lily's core. Without realizing it, she pressed her hips to his as their tongues danced and their need grew.

His hands coursed up and down her back; hers tugged gently at his hair. He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist, grinding against him with the rhythm of their tongues.

"Have you ever-" he panted between kisses as he laid her on the bed, caging her with his arms.

"No," she answered. "You?"

"No." She bit his lip, tugged, making him groan softly. He slid a hand under her nightgown and cupped her breast; fireworks went off in her brain with the need for more, _more, now_.

She pushed him gently, a signal that had him backing off. She sat up in the bed, tugged her nightgown off. The surging passion wouldn't let her be self-conscious as she started flicking open the buttons of his shirt

"Wait, wait," said James suddenly. "Wait."

"What's wrong?" she asked, alarmed. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No no no," he assured her. "The opposite." He kissed her, gently. "But if we go any further I'm not going to be able or willing to stop."

She nodded, understanding, and reached for her nightie once more. "Not tonight," she agreed. "We'll take it slow." In truth, she wasn't sure she wanted to stop there, but then she also didn't want to regret herself in the morning.

"You don't necessarily have to put that back on," said James. "I'm rather enjoying the view."

Only then did she remember her self-consciousness; she blushed as she looked down at herself. Unfortunately, losing weight had meant her breasts had shrunk as well, and her stomach was still far bigger than she was comfortable with. She knew she wasn't fat, objectively, but wished she was more toned.

"You should probably get to bed," she said with no small regret. "To be continued?"

He nodded, smiled. "Good night, Lily," he said, and kissed her very chastely.

"Good night, James."

She'd never done anything like that before, she mused. Never acted with confidence, certainly never put the moves on a boy. She was fairly certain she liked it.

* * *

The next few days went by in a blur: a trip to London for Christmas shopping, where they met up with Alice and Peter for lunch; afternoons spent reading outside while the boys played Quidditch; evenings spent pretending to eat or purging after dinner; nights spent snogging James in her bedroom while they both yearned for more, but were too nervous to take it.

On Christmas Eve, Mrs. Potter had her helping to bake cookies. She'd never really baked before, and found that she enjoyed it quite a bit. Food was much less intimidating to prepare than to eat. The task, and its roots in tradition, helped ease the ache of her first Christmas without her parents.

And she enjoyed the company of Mrs. Potter, who never bored her.

When the last batch of cookies (for now) was in the oven, the older woman took a seat at the island and began using her wand to clean up; Lily followed suit, and very quickly the kitchen looked as though it hadn't been touched. Mrs. Potter conjured them each a cup of tea; Lily kept hers black and sipped slowly.

"While we wait for these to be done so we can decorate them, why don't you tell me a little about you and James," the older woman said casually.

"Oh um." Lily racked her brain, trying to decide what to tell and what not to. "We started dating right before Halloween. He asked me out on a not-a-date, and I kissed him. That's sort of the long and short of it."

Mrs. Potter chuckled. "That's sweet. The secret, Lily, is that men need a little extra help now and again. I love my husband and my son, and I'll be damned if I haven't come to love Sirius too, but the fact is that sometimes you need to give them a push. I'm glad you got the ball rolling on that because the boy's been mooning over you for years."

"Part of that's my fault," she admitted. "I was a little, ah, harsh to him the first couple times he asked me out. Couple hundred," she corrected with a half-laugh.

"I'm glad he has you," said the older woman. "The light left his eyes for awhile after my parents-in-law died, and you've helped to bring it back."

"The war has taken its toll," murmured Lily, thinking of her family. "On all of us. I imagine it will only get worse until someone is able to stop him."

Mrs. Potter nodded. "That's true. These are dark times for us all... and the only thing, the best thing to do is remember the good things we still have. Fall in love and bake cookies and dance, while we still have the time."

"You're right," the girl realized. "It doesn't do to dwell on pain and forget to live, does it?"

"When we succumb to misery and struggle, the Dark side wins." The oven timer went off, making a strange sound like that of an angry Cornish pixie. "That'll be the cookies. By the way, are you and James being safe?"

Lily nearly choked on her tea as her face colored to match her hair. "Excuse me?" she spluttered.

"You know the contraceptive spell, don't you? It's-"

"I know the spell," interrupted Lily. "But it's not... I mean we're not..." Mortified, she suddenly wished she was out with the boys... even if it meant cruising on that treacherous flying motorbike of Sirius's that they had insisted on taking out tonight.

"Lily, I'm a mother, and mothers know everything. You'll find out yourself eventually. Since placing you at opposite sides of the house did nothing, if you'd like to move into his room, you're welcome." She said it conversationally, as if they were discussing the weather, as she transferred the cookies to a cooling rack.

"I... I don't even know what to say," she said, defeated. "Um. But just so you know, we haven't. And I do know the spell for if and when."

"Good," she said, nodding. "Now, you know that Harold and I had James late in life. While I would certainly appreciate your waiting a few years, I'd like to live long enough to meet my grandchildren."

If Lily had been shocked before, it was nothing as compared with now. She nearly choked on her tea. "Mrs. Potter, we've only been together a few months! Not nearly enough time to think about all that."

The smile Mrs. Potter sent Lily was almost pitying. "You don't even realize it, do you? It's all over your face that you're in love with him."

"I... what?"

"Things move faster in the wizarding world, at any rate. For most. Why, Harold and I were married when we were seventh years, during the Christmas holidays. I wouldn't be terribly surprised if-"

"Mum!" James and Sirius slammed through the front door and their trainers squeaked on the hardwood as they ran to the kitchen. "We were cornered by Death Eaters!"

"After Muggle... what's it called. Please-men?"

"Policemen," corrected Lily. "What happened?"

Sirius began, and they traded off telling the story. "We were going a little too fast on the bike-"

"-but it was on the ground-"

"and the Muggle policemen stopped us in an alley-"

"-and we were having a bit of fun with them-"

"-when Death Eaters flew in-"

"-but we used the policemen's car to stop them and flew off-"

"-so if the Ministry pays us a visit-"

"-we're not home," they finished together.

Lily's eyes were wide as saucers. "You what? James Potter, I told you you were going to get yourself killed on that motorbike. Would arrested be much better? And you, Sirius, do you want to prove your family right when they say you're a good-for-nothing?"

"No," they said in unison, chastised.

Mrs. Potter only sighed. "I trust the Death Eaters didn't follow you here?" When they shook their heads she said, "All right then. Get washed up and help us decorate these cookies. I swear the two of you will be the death of me."

* * *

That night, Lily passed on the message that she was allowed to move to his room. "Only if you want to," she insisted.

"That would make it even harder to resist... you," he said, nuzzling her neck. "But why not?"

They levitated her things to his room, and she realized she had never been inside. If she had thought her suite was big... his was monstrous. The four-poster bed was bigger than a king size, decked in Gryffindor red and gold. The bathroom sported a large claw-foot tub that, she imagined, she could soak up to her neck in. It wasn't quite as big as the prefects' tubs, but she couldn't wait until she had the chance to have a long, hot soak in it.

She was, in some ways, still a child at heart. The prospect of Christmas still made her giddy, and she was certain she wasn't going to be able to sleep. However, only a few minutes in James's comforting arms and she was out.

Entirely too early, there was a loud rapping on the door. "Guuuuys!" came Sirius's muffled voice. "Come on, it's Christmas, get up!"

She glanced at the clock beside the bed; it was ten till six. She groaned, not ready just yet to face the day, but turned to see that James was up and looking eager. "Come on!" he urged. "There's Christmas breakfast, and then presents!"

"Urgh," she muttered. "I'm gonna keep sleeping through breakfast. Wake me up after breakfast."

"Nope!" He hooked a hand onto her elbow, tugged as he stood up. "Christmas breakfast means pajamas. Put something on that's a little more... decent though."

She glanced down at the nightie that skimmed just barely over her breasts, and stopped high on her thighs. When James held out one of his t-shirts, she took it gratefully, and slid on pajama pants underneath. _Why did this family have so many meals together?_ she wondered, half-desperately.

But Christmas breakfast wasn't nearly as bad as she expected it to be. The food was laid out Hogwarts-style, with many different options set out on the table, so she could eat what she chose. She ended up loading her plate with fruit, adding cheese cubes and yogurt to balance it out. The homemade pastries and fritters smelled divine, but she didn't want to be panicky on Christmas of all days.

Now that she was fully awake, she was more than a little excited. She couldn't wait to see how James felt about his gift, and the rest of them.

She and Sirius were at equal measure, practically bouncing to the great room. The tree was huge-not as big as the ones at Hogwarts but certainly taller than her own house-and had been decorated overnight, and lavishly so. But it touched her to see that there were ornaments hanging in prominent spots that had obviously been made by a child. They weren't so different from the ones she herself had made, though these featured clay sculptures of faeries and drawings of the Gryffindor lion rather than the Santa Clauses and reindeer she had crafted as a child.

"Lily," offered Mr. Potter, "why don't you open the first present, since you're our guest? We'll take turns."

"Thank you," she murmured, a little self-conscious to have all eyes on her. Her first gift was one from the Potters, a pretty bag that was, strangely, rustling... she was a little bit nervous as she removed the paper. "Oh!" she murmured softly. The kitten was so small she could hold it in her hand. It was black with a small white spot on its chest, and greeted Lily by nibbling on her finger.

"Do you like her?" asked Mrs. Potter. "James said cats were your favorite, and black cats with white spots are known to be lucky in the wizarding world."

"She's perfect," she gushed. "Oh, she's so precious. Does she have a name?"

"That's up to you," piped up James.

"Thank you so much." Lily stood to hug Mr. and Mrs. Potter in turn. "I'll have to get to know her a little before I name her, I think. Oh, I love her."

The kitten snoozed on her lap as she stroked it gently and they took turns opening gifts. She had followed James's advice on gifts for his parents (books on history for his father and a red sweater for his mother) and made Sirius a gift basket of joke supplies ("Use any of this on me and I'll hex you into next week," she warned), and all of the gifts were well-received. When it came time for James to open her gift, she held her breath.

He tore into the paper like a child, lifted the lid off the small box quickly. And said nothing.

"If you don't like it I-"

"Shh," he said quietly. "Don't ruin the moment." He lifted the ancient Muggle pocketwatch by its well loved chain.

"'Hugo, counting the minutes. Rose.'" He read the engraving out loud, looked at her questioningly.

"It belonged to my grandfather," she explained. "He was in the war-a Muggle war, that is-and his sweetheart, my grandmother, gave it to him as a parting gift to remember her by. So he knew she was counting down for his return. Family legend tells it that the gift kept him motivated to keep moving and survive, even when he wanted to give up, because he knew she was waiting for him."

"How sweet," whispered Mrs. Potter.

"I love it," said James, running a thumb over the opened face. "I'll wear it every day. Now it's your turn to open mine." He handed her a small box; she took more care, undoing the wrapping paper gently so as not to tear it.

She lifted the lid off the box and gasped. A large oval garnet surrounded by a halo of small diamonds was set in gold, suspended from a thick gold chain. "James, this is too much," she said, staggered. "It's beautiful but-"

"But nothing," he interrupted her protest. "I didn't pay anything for it if it helps you feel better. This is an heirloom, too. It was said to have been made for Godric Gryffindor to give to his daughter, and a Gryffindor's always owned it. Dunno if that's true or not, but it's been with a Potter for generations."

"I can't-" Her voice choked. "I can't take something as valuable as this. It's a family legacy, James."

"Of which we have many," pointed out Mr. Potter. "Keep it. James discussed it with us beforehand and we've all agreed it's perfectly fitting."

"Here, James, put it on her," insisted Mrs. Potter. "No more of that. He wouldn't give you anything he didn't feel you deserved."

She felt almost silly with this magnificent piece of jewelry on her neck, clad in her pajamas. She stood to look in the mirror that hung over the great fireplace.

It truly was remarkable. Now that it was on her neck she didn't think she'd ever part with it. The red of the stone complemented the red in her hair, her cheeks. It was too formal for her everyday wear, but she didn't care. She'd wear it daily nonetheless.

"Now that's settled," joked Sirius, "say 'Thank you, James, I love it.'"

She smiled. "Thank you, James," she parroted. "I love it." She strode back over to him, kissed him deeply. "I'll treasure it always."

* * *

The day was so full she nearly forgot to miss home. Potter tradition, from games to carols, took up nearly every minute.

She was pleasantly exhausted by the time they curled up to bed. "Remus comes tomorrow," she reminded James. "And the day after that, Petunia's wedding. Then it'll nearly be time for the new year and back to school."

"I wish we could stay here," he murmured, nuzzling against her. "Not that I don't love Hogwarts, but we don't have nearly enough time together."

"We've certainly become spoiled the last few days," she agreed. "It's been so wonderful I've almost forgotten to worry about what we have coming ahead. But let's not worry too much about that now."

She cherished those minutes between silence and sleep, hoping she had many more nights like this to come.


	12. The Wedding

Author's note: PLEASE don't hate me. My laptop is broken, irreparably, and I won't be getting another one for 6 weeks or so. Until then I have to steal moments when my housemates aren't using their computers. I'm sorry sorry, but I'll update as regularly as I possibly can.

* * *

Remus arrived the next afternoon, and it pained Lily to see the dark circles under his eyes. The full moon had been the night before (she pitied him for having such a lonely Christmas), and she knew he was still feeling it. As such, he went straight to lie down less than ten minutes after he arrived. She expected that, just like at school, he would emerge for dinner, lie down again, and be nearly himself the next day around noon.

He was still asleep the next morning when Lily and James set out for her sister's wedding.

They Apparated to an alley not terribly far from the posh country club and walked the rest of the way. Lily led James to the back row-she didn't imagine her sister would welcome her sitting up front with their parents-and waited for the ceremony to start. Everything was positively choked in pink petunias, pink tulle, pink candles. Lily thought it was all terribly over-the-top, and imagined that for her wedding she'd like something outdoors. She wasn't sure how wizarding weddings tended to go, but she knew she wanted something much more simplistic than this. She imagined James's mother would-

_Wait._

She blocked that particularly invasive thought from her mind just as music began to play. She got her first look of the groom, and to say the least she was not jealous of her sister. He was nearly as wide as he was tall, and even now-on his own wedding day-he didn't smile.

Petunia smiled her way down the aisle, but to Lily, the expression seemed more smug than truly happy. Lily felt nothing but a tug of pity for her sister. The vows seemed tinny and over-rehearsed, each movement stiff. What must it be to marry for any reason but pure love and joy?

Twice, Lily had to nudge James as she noticed him nodding off, and she couldn't blame him. She couldn't force herself to focus on the words, either. It was a relief when they finally made their way up the aisle, but she had to admit it stung a little that her sister didn't once glance in her direction. She decided she would say hello to her parents, congratulate the couple at the reception, and then leave.

* * *

Lily found her parents quickly in the ballroom. "Mum! Dad!" she called out, running into her father's arms first. The faint smell of tobacco had once made her cringe away, but she had missed him terribly and found comfort in it now. Her mother's perfume, a delicate floral scent to suit a delicate frame, soothed her as always. "Oh, I've missed you both so much!"

"And we've missed you," answered Mrs. Evans. "And who's the gentleman you've brought with you?"

"James Potter," she answered without preamble. "James, meet my parents, Daisy and Rowan."

"Lovely to meet you," said her mother.

Her oft-silent father reached out a hand, and James met it in a firm shake. "I've been eager to meet you," said James. "You must be two great people, to have raised Lily as spectacularly as you have."

"Flirt," she teased, elbowing him as her mum giggled.

As they exchanged pleasantries, Lily looked around. The pink was even more prevalent here; even the china was pale pink with bright pink roses around the rims. It took active effort to keep Lily from shuddering.

As they had no living relatives besides their parents, Lily recognized hardly anyone. The vast majority of the guests were, she imagined, Vernon's family and colleagues-for how could someone who seemed so unpleasant have many friends?

She scanned the crowd for Petunia and Vernon, found them on the opposite side of the ballroom. "We can't stay too long," said Lily, eager to avoid the plated meal that was soon to be served. "We're going to wish the couple well and get back. I'll miss you both so, but I'll write."

Her father gently pulled her in for one last hug goodbye. Before he released her, she distinctly heard him whisper one word in her ear: "Eat."

She flushed; his one word was all she needed to know that her parents weren't oblivious to her relapse. She supposed she had lost some weight, but had been hoping they'd be too distracted by the day. She didn't say anything, made no denials, but she nodded just slightly before taking James's hand and leading him away.

"Petunia, congratulations." She tried to make it as heartfelt as possible. "Your dress is lovely." This was true, at least, though the woman in it... well, that was another matter.

"Thank you," said the elder stiffly. "Is this your..."

"Boyfriend," supplied James helpfully. "James Potter. Congratulations to you both."

Petunia looked around fearfully before gesturing them to an empty corner of the ballroom; Vernon followed closely behind. "Is he one of... your crowd?"

Lily raised her eyebrows. "But of course," she answered. "How else would I know him? Anyway, does Vernon know what we're talking about, or are we being rude and leaving him out of the conversation?" Of course Lily wouldn't really tell him anything, but she imagined it would be fun to watch her sister squirm.

"Of course," said Vernon, acid in his voice. "And I don't appreciate you bringing another... one of your funny lot to our wedding. Petunia can't help having you for a sister, but this riffraff-"

"Riffraff?" protested James. "I'll be happy to have you know I'm of one of the richest families in Europe, thanks." James didn't normally flaunt his wealth, but Lily could see temper flaring in his eyes.

"Oh I'm sure," said Vernon nastily. "I've never heard of a wealthy Potter in all my days. You probably just... poof, money appears, where some of us earn it. I worked very hard for my new Lexus, by the way, which is as we speak sitting in my driveway waiting."

"I've a Cleansweep Five, which I'm sure will go twice as fast and in the air too," James retaliated. "Though I don't imagine it would go very high with your bulk."

Lily had to admit it was entertaining watching Vernon turn purple, but she really hadn't set out to upset her sister. "Petunia," she suggested lightly, "why don't we go walk in the gardens while our men play my-horse-is-bigger?"

"Oh very likely," snapped Petunia. "Where you'll turn me into a hideous toad or somesuch."

"You know I'd never-"

"So tell me Lily," interrupted the bride just loudly enough to capture the attention of their warring men, "does your James know where you were this summer?"

Her eyes widened. "Petunia, _no_," she hissed. "I'm only trying to be a sister to you. Don't do this."

"Don't do what?" she countered, all innocence. "Mother tells me you've spent the holiday with this boy. Surely he's heard you in the bathroom after Christmas pudding, if you bothered to have any."

"What's she talking about?" asked James, his gaze darting between the two of them.

"We have to go," answered Lily, panic choking her throat. "We're leaving."

"Oh, not without some cake," insisted Petunia. "Oh wait, you don't _eat_ cake, or much anything else either, _do_ you? It would just end up in the toilet bowl after, and what a waste. Go then. Have a good night," she finished, a sick sweetness coating her voice.

She fled blindly, bumping into a table on her way toward the door. Tears filled her eyes. She distantly heard James calling for her, but didn't slow for him.

How could Petunia have done that to her? She had come to her wedding, been nothing but civil. The fact was, she had always tried to be friends with Petunia and had been shot down in the worst way possible, every time, ever since Severus Snape told her she was a witch.

She didn't know what her fate was with James. At this point, she'd almost be content never seeing his face again, if only to avoid the conversation she knew to be inevitable.

But she heard the taps of his shoes behind hers as she fast-walked across the parking lot. Soon, he grabbed her by the arm.

"What was all that about?" he asked. "What was Petunia saying?"

"Nothing," insisted Lily. "Let me go. I won't talk about this."

James sighed and let go, but merely kept pace with her while they walked-to where, neither was sure. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, but curiousity caught up to him. "What was she saying about how you don't eat cake? I've seen you eat it. And the toilet-do you have a, a stomach problem? Why are you so flustered you can't tell me that?"

"It's not a stomach problem," she muttered, too tired to try to lie even if she didn't want to tell him the truth. "Please. This one thing, don't ask me about it. This one thing."

"Bullshit," he answered, stopping abruptly and whipping her around again. "You've said that to me several times now, Lily. I'm not daft enough to think they're not connected. A panic attack after dinner the first night at my parents', and now this. You can't avoid it forever. Tell me what's going on."

Tears threatened to fall down Lily's cheeks; she blinked them back furiously. "Keep your hands off me," she said, her voice ice cold. "You'll not grab at me that way, and certainly not without my permission. If you can't accept that I can't tell you every solitary detail about my life, then maybe there's no cause for us to be together." Again she turned away and continued to walk. She had never been here and didn't know the neighborhood, but it struck her as odd the way the lavish country club gave way to a less-than-clean neighborhood, full of tall buildings that had probably once been charming but now only loomed above them ominously.

"Lily, please," he begged. "Don't do this. Don't walk away from me. What's so important that keeping hit hidden means more than us?"

"It's not that. I just-" she broke off when she heard a scream. Wordlessly they drew their wands and ran to the alley a few blocks down where a woman was shrieking.

She had expected a woman surrounded by muggers or worse; what she wasn't expecting was to see Bellatrix Lestrange, who had graduated a few short years before, looking completely in control flanked by two hooded figures.

Before Lily or James could react, Bellatrix muttered something and the two of them were bound by thick coils, still on their feet but unable to move. Lily couldn't remember a counterspell, if there was one; they were helpless.

"Ahh, James and Lily," crooned the older woman. "James Potter, heir to the House of Potter and all its riches, and blood that runs pure and clean. Lily Evans, Mudblood and neigbbor to my dear friend, Severus Snape."

"What do you want?" hissed Lily. "What does Severus have to do with it?"

"Tell them yourself," purred Bellatrix. "Snape, come forward."

One of the figures lifted a hood, and Lily's oldest friend had never looked so remorseful. Still, it was quite hard not to hate him just at the moment. "I'm sorry," he said desperately to Lily. "They told me to round up Pure-bloods, and I knew Potter would be here. I asked them to leave you but-"

She spat on the ground at Severus's feet. "Don't do me any favors, you nasty Death Eater. Tell me, have you found a taste for murder yet, scum?"

Bellatrix cackled delightedly. "Let her go," insisted James. "It's me you want. She's Muggle-born and of no interest to you."

"Aww," cooed Bellatrix. "Does the widdle Jamesy want to save his girl-fwiend? How cute! But I've heard of your magical ability, Evans. The Dark Lord may have use for you yet." She murmured another curse Lily couldn't quite catch, and the world went dark.


	13. House Elves and Propositions

Author's Note: Please bear with me, guys. I should have a new computer in a couple of weeks. I expect the story to be finished in the next month and a half or so-and there's still plenty of story to go! I hate to think I might have lost some fans who were enjoying the story-I'm writing as much as I can. I have outlines for future chapters in the works, so I should be able to knock them out quickly enough whenever I do have computer access. Please keep letting me know how you feel about the way the story is progressing!

* * *

She awoke in darkness. She couldn't quite get her bearings, but for a sleepy moment she didn't care. The bed was so comfortable, plush. She could stay here forever.

From out of nowhere a light flashed on; she squinted against it, but as her eyes adjusted she looked around. The bed she lay in was a huge four-poster, not too unlike the ones at Hogwarts. The bedspread, softer and thicker than the one she was used to, was a deep green with silver strands weaved through it; the walls and decor held a similar theme. But as she came to her senses and remembered the events of-what? Yesterday, two days ago? She had no idea-she couldn't be comfortable. She shot upright.

Only then did she notice the figure in the doorframe. The house elf was old and wore some sort of filthy sack that drooped in such a way that it covered very little of the wrinkled little body.

"Where am I?" she demanded of it.

The house elf smiled pleasantly. "Mistress is in her new quarters. Lonny will be seeing to Mistress's needs."

"Get me out of here," she demanded. "If I'm your mistress, surely you're capable of that."

Lonny's eyes widened so much they seemed to take up her entire head. "Oh, Lonny is so sorry, Mistress, but Lonny cannot. You see, Lonny's true master is the Dark Lord. Lonny is only to do what Mistress says as long as it does not oppose the Dark Lord's wishes."

_Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck._

There was no time to wallow, Lily decided. She needed to find James and get out. "Lonny, what is this place? And where is James Potter?"

"This is the Dark Lord's manor," explained Lonny. "Lonny is not permitted to know where to find the manor on a map, nor are any house elves. Mister Potter is in another wing."

"Is-I mean, do you serve him too, or is that the job of another house elf?"

Lonny beamed with pride, her little chest puffed out as she edged closer to the bed. "Mister Potter is served by Lonny's own mate Tibble, Mistress, and our son Dobby. Dobby is young and strong. This is why Dobby and Tibble serves Mister Potter together, Mistress, for Tibble is not strong enough to fight but Dobby is young yet. Mister Potter woke up yesterday and was very violent."

"These elves," said Lily slowly. "Can they come here? Can they bring James?"

"Dobby can come, Mistress, if only you call him. But Mister Potter must stay in his wing until so says the Dark Lord." With that, Lonny snapped her fingers and a much younger looking house elf appeared-Lily wasn't sure she'd seen an elf with fewer wrinkles, though like all elves there were creases around his ears. But he looked truly miserable.

"Are you Dobby?" asked Lily. "How is James?"

"Master is well," said Dobby timidly. "Too well. Dobby must punish himself later, for Master almost broke free."

"Why do you have to punish yourself?" she asked. She knew, or thought she knew, how the house elf structure worked. "You didn't disobey and he didn't escape."

"Some wizards," explained Lonny carefully, "like house elves to be punished if they nearly disobey, or even think of it. And the Dark Lord, he always knows. Tibble has many, many scars. Lonny has only been punished once, and she was very small," she finished with pride.

Lily nodded and wondered absently why Tibble had been punished so much. "When can I see James?" she demanded.

"Lonny was going to tell Mistress. Mistress and Mister Potter are to meet the Dark Lord for dinner tonight. The dress Mistress must wear is in the wardrobe."

Now that she knew James was all right, her mind set to worry about the situation at hand. Why had Voldemort chosen to take her and James? Severus-Snape, she corrected herself-had said something about rounding up Pure-bloods, but for what? To join him? What would happen if they didn't cooperate? She thought she knew, and nerves burned in her belly.

She had to think of a way out. She knew without asking that she wouldn't have access to her wand.

Could she pretend to go on with whatever Voldemort had planned, long enough to get out? She wasn't sure she could lie like a spy. She certainly wasn't sure how to communicate that to James.

The room had nothing she could use; she would have to plan on the fly and pray to whatever deity would claim her. She spent the next few hours getting ready, fixing her hair meticulously with the supplies she had asked of Lonny. She puller her locks into an elegant updo that looked fine with the elaborate emerald dress she found in the wardrobe, but would keep her hair out of the way in the event of catastrophe. When that was done, all she had left to do was pray.

* * *

Her feet felt like lead and every step was a struggle. Her heart pounded out a frenetic drumbeat against her rib cage and she fought to keep calm. It was with damp palms and deep breaths that she reached the elegant dining room the house elf led her to.

James entered at precisely the same moment from a door across the room; they ran toward one another, but hit a transparent barrier less than an inch apart. It tore at Lily when James pressed a hand against it, and she did the same. What she wouldn't give just to touch him now.

"Ah, my guests." Lily jumped at the sound, anxiety still keeping her edgy. She looked to her left and saw... something much less impressive than she had expected, to be perfectly honest.

The high-pitched voice matched the pale man well, but neither fit her image of what a "dark lord" should entail. His features were thin, elegant. He was handsome, but then she imagined so was the devil with all his temptations. She could have passed him on the street and not thought a thing of him.

"Sit, sit," he urged, and his voice trailed ice up her spine. Small he may be, but he exuded a kind of sinister power. She felt compelled to do as he said and took a seat; James sat across from her.

As soon as she sat, three bowls appeared on the table with a pop. She realized her stomach was rolling-with hunger as well as nerves-but she merely looked at the man with mistrust.

"Oh, I'm being rude," he crooned. "Miss Evans, Mister Potter. I am Lord Voldemort, but you may call me the Dark Lord."

"I'll stick with Voldemort, thanks," James said carelessly. "Now what do you want of us?"

"So rude," admonished the man at the head of the table smoothly. "You are my guests, and I suggest you remember that. Do eat; we wouldn't want our appetizer getting cold."

"Like hell we'd take your poison." Lily heard a voice like acid, and realized with some alarm that it was her own. His smooth voice, the voice of a romantic or a killer, got her back up more than she could explain, and fear would slow her down where anger may give her an advantage.

"Ah, Lily," sighed Voldemort. "Severus has told me much about you, but surely a few bites of soup is not too much to ask?"

"It doesn't matter a damn what he told you," she spat at him. "What matters is what you want of us. Cut to the chase."

He inclined a head. "I cannot blame you for mistrusting me." He laughed, and the sound had Lily digging nails into her palms. "After all, we barely know each other. Very well. I'd like to offer a proposition. James," he said, turning toward him. "You have a quick wit, a pure lineage, and great strength of mind and body. Lily, your... background is a blight on your resume, but you are more than adept with potions and an up-and-coming master of charms. And what is the difference between a charm and a curse? Intent, and nothing more. I believe I can make good use of your skills, and make it very much worth your while."

He paused, but the sweeping gesture made with his arms made it clear he wasn't finished. "I could offer you the world. James, how would you like to be the captain of your favorite Quidditch team? You have wealth beyond what you will ever need, but I could give you more. The respect of everyone who crosses your path."

"I'll earn the Quidditch title on my own, thanks." Lily marvelled at how even James's voice was; he never took his eyes off of hers, though he spoke to the man at the table's head. "And the respect that comes with it."

"Lily," Voldemort continued as though James had never spoken. "I could give you everlasting beauty. You could eat anything you like and never gain an ounce."

"Is that what you think I want?" barked Lily. It was almost laughable. "You think I'm so shallow?"

"No," he answered easily. "It would merely be a side benefit. To you I would offer the safety of your family."

"My family would be safe," she answered, "if not for you. Are you saying you'll kill them if I join?" Sweat beaded on the back of her neck. "Don't answer. I know. You'll kill them unless I do their bidding." It pained her to say it, but she knew pleading would do her no good here. She sent a silent prayer and apology to her family. She would die for her parents, but she couldn't live for Voldemort. She knew they would understand and vowed to protect them to her greatest capacity.

"My final offer," he answered, his voice cold now, "is to give you one another. Remember what means the most to you and know that I could give it or take it away at the slightest whim. I will give you twenty-four hours together to come to a decision." He rose from the table and they understood that they were dismissed.

The elves led them back to Lily's room; finally, when the door shut behind them, whatever spell was between them lifted and they fell into a tight embrace.

The urge to sob on James's chest had never been stronger, but Lily knew she had to be stronger still. Tears would be wasted now. "There were no doors in the hallway between my room and the dining room," she told him. "And the doors we came through are the only ones that lead to it-no exits. No windows."

"That means Apparition is possible here," said James. "But we don't have our wands. I've tried to do it anyway, and it won't work."

"We certainly can't fight our way out wandless. But damn it, I won't die here." Lily's chin jutted out with pride. For a few minutes, they simply held each other, too aware that this may be their last day.

"I have an idea," said James at length. "When they ambushed us in the alley, Snape said he had wanted to protect you. At the very least, we can get you out, but you may be able to convince him to let us both go... or at least we can steal his wand. Tibble!"

A battered-looking house elf appeared with a loud pop. Lily saw what Lonny had meant by "many scars"-the old elf seemed to have more scar tissue than skin.

"Master Potter?" asked the elf in a hoarse voice. "What can Tibble do for you?"

"Can you bring us Severus Snape?" asked James. Tibble shook his head.

"Please," Lily begged before the creature could speak. "Please, bring him to us. We need to get out." She had decided it didn't matter if Voldemort knew they were trying to escape; she imagined he knew it anyway.

"Even were it permitted, Miss Evans, it cannot be done." There was sorrow in the elf's voice. "There are powerful magics here. Mister Snape would be killed for the Dark Lord to know he had set you free. Mister Snape is young. Tibble is very sorry. Tibble would do it if it did not mean the death of young Mister Snape."

She saw something in his eyes that made her press further. "Why have you been punished so much, Tibble?" she asked quietly, crouching down to meet him at eye level. "Has no one ever been kind to you?"

Tibble was silent for a long time, by shock or fear or something else. When he spoke his voice was wistful. "Once, Miss Lily. Tibble was a young elf and had a very kind master. Master was very old and asked Tibble instead of told. Master gives Tibble choices. 'Tibble, please help me with the dishes or the cooking today.' Master was very, very kind." His eyes welled up and he cut off, crying softly.

"What happened?" asked James compassionately, crouching down beside Lily and placing a hand on Tibble's shoulder over the filthy, torn sheet he wore toga-style. Lily bit her lip at the picture of them.

The elf cried for awhile before composing himself. "Master died, sir, after he lived a good many years. Tibble was alone, for Master had no family. Tibble can't take care of Tibble, sir, Tibble needs someone to take care of. Tibble slept in doorways for three nights before Lonny found him." At this part he smiled. "Lonny is the most perfect elf, and Miss Evans is lucky to have her. Lonny brought Tibble to the Dark Lord, and the Dark Lord says he may use Tibble. Tibble joined him on sight, and very quickly regretted it, you see. Lonny has never misbehaved, and so does not know the evil here." He smacked himself across the mouth, making distressed sounds, until James restrained him by gripping his little wrists.

"Go on, Tibble." Lily said it kindly but firmly. "And call us Lily and James. No need for formality here."

"Master James and Miss Lily know the evil here," said Tibble.

James nodded. "That evil is going to kill us," he said, "if we don't find a way out. Is there anything you can tell us without getting in too much trouble? Trap doors, weaknesses?"

"No, Master James," answered Tibble at length. "But Tibble has a plan. Meet the Dark Lord tomorrow as Master James was told, and let Tibble take care of it."

Tibble was out of the room before they could respond.

* * *

Lily wasn't sure how long they had lain in bed. They hadn't slept, hadn't even chanced to bundle under the too-soft blanket; they needed their minds alert.

They didn't discuss escape or defeat, but all the normal subjects of a young couple spending the day together: Quidditch, friends, school. They weren't pretending or avoiding the issue; they knew that they were powerless for the moment, and if this were to be their last twenty-four hours together, they didn't want to waste it on futility.

Lily swirled a finger over James's palm as he recounted a story to her. He told her all about his first Animagus transformation, the sense of freedom he had found. "It's like... when I shed my human body, I shed my human doubts too. And I can see without glasses," he added with humor. "That's pretty nice too."

"Show me," said Lily. "I want to see it."_ Just once_, Lily added in her mind.

Without a word James rolled off the bed and crossed to the center of the room. He closed his eyes, and Lily watched in fascination as his body morphed. She had seen Professor McGonagall transform into a cat, but it was different somehow to watch James grow. The stag exuded power, but not in the cold way Voldemort had.

Without a thought she crossed to him, lay a hand on his flank. He was softer than she had expected. She hugged his neck and felt the day's panic ease as affection for him swelled in. "I love you," she whispered in his ear.

Barely a second later James stood, human, and embraced her. "I love you too," he murmured. "I hate to have to make that confession under such dire circumstances. I was going to tell you at New Year's, but this works too."

She smiled against him. "If nothing else, we have this."

He tipped her chin up and leaned down for a soft kiss. "This is enough."


	14. Tibble

Author's Note: In response to an anon's review/question, I plan something around 22 chapters, but that may change. The last chapter and this one were going to be one, but I changed my mind midway through writing. So we'll find out.  
I chose to have Tibble be the one with "the plan" to rescue Lily and James because I thought it brought everything full circle-with HP7 and Dobby. JKR is very fond of bringing things full circle, and I liked the thought.

* * *

A gritty feeling stung eyes that wanted desperately to close, but she didn't dare fall asleep.

Aside from the small bathroom off to the side and occasional appearances from the house elves to deliver food or ask after the couple's welfare, there was no change of scenery. There was certainly no clock.

She wasn't sure if they had confessed their love one hour ago or four, and had no concept of how much longer she'd be in the luxurious prison, but she didn't want to call in a house elf and ask, either. She'd prefer not to know, to pretend there wasn't a death sentence over her head for as long as she could manage.

But she couldn't keep sitting there and cuddling James, or she was going to fall asleep.

She squeezed his hand and sprang from the bed. "I can't sit still anymore," she complained. "I'm going to do some crunches or something."

It didn't occur to her how impractical crunches were in the formal dress until she was on the floor. Instead of trying to work around it, she merely lay flat and sighed. "I wish I had my clothes."

"I wish I had my cloak," mumbled James.

She raised her eyebrows. "You're cold?"

"No," he explained. "I have an invisibility cloak. We may be able to escape if no one could see us."

Lily pondered that for a minute. "No," she decided. "There are still no doors. An excellent thought, but it won't do us any good regardless."

He nodded. "Get back up here. If we only have so much time before... whatever comes next, I want to ask you about something that's been bothering me."

His tone made something crawl up Lily's spine and she fought the urge to shudder as she joined him again on the bed. "What is it?" she asked, trying to keep the dread out of her voice.

He wrapped an arm around her waist and absently stroked up and down her side. "The only thing you've ever been shady with me about, Lil. Your sister talked about it some but I don't understand. She mentioned something about not eating cake, where you were this summer, and... Lily, you know what I'm asking you."

She nodded. Now or never, she supposed, her hands beginning to sweat. She couldn't look at him as she spoke. "I spent the summer," she said lightly, "At the Center of Hope and Healing."

"You said you were volunteering at a hospital," prompted James.

She laughed drily. "Silly of me. The Center is a hospital of sorts, doctors and nurses everywhere."

"Were you ill?" he asked.

"In a manner of speaking," she answered, her throat clogging. "The Center of Hope and Healing is a clinic for people with... with unconventional eating habits."

"I don't understand."

She hadn't expected him to. "There's a set of... conditions, you could call them, that just don't exist in the wizarding world. Don't ask me why, but it's purely a Muggle thing-wizards raised in wizarding households just don't get them. That's why I was able to go undetected for so long... with only two people at school catching on, both of them half-bloods. Most of our schoolmates will never so much as hear of the conditions. But I was raised by Muggles, you see. And though I undeniably have magic, it's mostly Muggle blood in my veins."

"So?" he said indignantly, ever eager to defend her honor on this sore point. "That doesn't make you any different than the rest of us, Lily, and you know that."

"In most things, no," she said bitterly. "But stay on track. At the end of last year, I got off the train and I could barely walk."

"I remember that," he answered suddenly. "I thought you must be sick. I watched you a good deal, you know."

"Yes. And I was sick. Less than a week into the summer, I started throwing up blood. A lot of it. There was a lot of damage in my digestive system, and it sort of gave out. They were going to do a surgery-that's a thing Muggle doctors do where they cut people open to stitch things together or take things out when they need to-"

"Disgusting."

"Yes, well," she said, amused despite her tension. "My mother had the sense to have them hold off and write Dumbledore. She thought I had gotten ill somehow at school and maybe they could fix it. Less than a day later, Pomfrey came to the hospital and healed my guts so I didn't need the surgery. The doctors said it was a miracle, or thought they did the scan wrong."

"What was wrong, Lily?" asked James. "How did it happen?"

"It's called an eating disorder," she said finally, having to force out every word. "I, um. Didn't eat as much as I should. And when I did eat I-um." She faltered now. "I threw up on purpose, and other things." She couldn't quite bring herself to mention the laxative abuse, the self-punishment; she didn't think she needed to. "I couldn't stand the thought of gaining weight. I lost it, a lot of it, quite quickly. My body couldn't handle it. The truth came out at the hospital. The doctor knew just what was going on and my parents sent me to the Center two days later."

"Why didn't you just take a weight loss potion?" he demanded. "Those aren't harmful to your system, Lily. If you wanted to lose weight-which you didn't need to do in the first place-you could have taken the potions. They're not cheap, but it's better than... all that."

"The thing about weight loss potions," she answered honestly, "is that they only work to a point. The potions on the market are made specifically not to allow you to get below a... certain weight." A healthy weight. "There are other potions that you can make, but the ingredients are black-market and expensive as hell. And... see, this is why it's a Muggle thing. I can't even explain it. It wouldn't have been good enough. I had to earn my figure. I had to... torture myself into it."

Shame burned her as she saw his incredulous stare.

Now that the words were out, it was like purging-she had to tell him everything. To cleanse her conscience of it. "It's not about food, not really. It's about... well, so many things. Get as small as possible because that proves something. But it twists you, too. It was all I could think about. Ever. And at the Center... before they try to heal your mind, they have to heal your body. They shoved a goddamn tube down my throat and pumped me full of calories. I gained back most of the weight I had lost, then started eating on my own. I was on a very strict meal plan, which is why I ate a protein bar in History of Magic every day. I was in a better place mentally, too. I wanted to get better."

"Until?" prompted James. At Lily's look, he shook his head. "Don't pretend you're not doing it again. After all this, don't lie to me."

"Until a while after we got together." She fought to keep her composure when James swore under his breath. "Severus told me that he knew... and he said some horrible things..."

"I'll kill him," spat James. "For the situation we're in, and for hurting you."

"I'm fine," murmured Lily. "And I shouldn't have let it get to me. It was still my doing, in the end."

James shook his head. "I thought you were just stressed, and you were forgetting to eat. I thought maybe you were naturally so slim and I hadn't noticed before. Do you realize, Lily, just how small you are?" He held her as tightly as he dared. "I could break you in half with a thought."

"Please don't think that way," she begged. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to think differently of me. I love you so much, James. Please, don't let this change us."

"It won't change us," he assured her. "I've loved you since I was eleven."

Uncomfortably she remembered her conversation with Remus the day he showed her the Room of Requirement. "I love you, James," she said. "Please, let's not speak of this again tonight... or today, or whatever. Who knows what comes next. Let's focus on the good things we have and what we're going to do when Voldemort calls us into his chambers."

Before another word could be said, the door opened to their chamber. "Mistress, Mister Potter, come with me," said Lonny brightly. "The Dark Lord will see you now."

With dread in the pit of their stomachs, they stood to follow.

* * *

This time, they entered with their hands locked together.

A feast lay before them, one that rivalled any they had seen at Hogwarts.

"Lily, James," greeted Voldemort, his voice as welcoming as it had been the previous day. "Take a seat, and feel free to serve yourselves. I'm sure you'll be hungry by now."

James and Lily hadn't eaten any of the offered food thus far and her gut was gnawing with pain. Lily fought the temptation to spit on the food. "Even as a Muggle, I was taught from childhood never to take food offered by a faerie nor a devil," she said primly as she sat. "Particularly if you intend to leave."

"Ah, Lily, that is where we have an impasse," he said with a gratingly high chuckle. "I see that giving you time together has not changed your view on the matter. I can give you one more choice, of course. You will work for me by choice, or you will die."

"You could make us work for you," said James, his voice betraying none of the fear Lily knew he felt. "If you want our talents, a quick Imperius curse will have us doing whatever you choose. And there are potions, all kinds of things. Why free will?"

"I am not above such coercion," said Voldemort easily, "but the fact of it is, the two of you are not worth the energy. There are others who will take your place, and willingly."

"Then why not let us go?" asked the boy. Lily knew he was only stalling, and she prayed Tibble's supposed plan would come into action soon.

Voldemort smiled now. "My boy, you misunderstand. You do me no good alive unless you're working for me. But you will do me a tremendous service when you lie in coffins. Fear, young James, feeds respect, and respect fear. The two of these give the object power."

"That's all you care about," summed up Lily. "Our deaths would serve as a warning to any who might defy you."

"Correct," he said with a nod. "I will give you this meal to change your minds. Lord Voldemort doesn't typically give second chances, so consider yourselves incredibly fortunate. Thirty minutes from now, you both will be in my service or you will be dead in your chairs."

"You shall not harm James and Lily." Lily swivelled her head and gaped at Tibble, who stood defiantly on a chair across from Voldemort, his little chest puffed out. "James and Lily are young and good and you shall not touch them."

"You dare defy me?" Bafflement warred with rage on the Dark Lord's face. "You forget who you serve, vermin, and you will pay for this."

"Tibble expects he will," answered the elf. "But so will the Dark Lord." He leapt across the table and grabbed James's sleeve in one hand and Lily's in the other.

The world went black as Lily felt everything in her body squeeze and tighten. The sensation stopped almost as quickly as it started, and she blinked as she found herself in a room covered in dust and cobwebs and furniture that smelled like ancient must.

They were alive, they were safe-or safer than they had been. She knew with sudden clarity that the same would soon be untrue for the house elf that even now had a look of defiant justice on his face.

"Tibble..." she said, overcome with emotion. She couldn't finish the thought.

"Where are we?" demanded James.

"Tibble had a master once," Tibble reminded them, "who was very kind and very old. This was Master's house. No one uses it now, Miss Lily and Mister James. There is Floo Powder on the mantle." Tibble snapped a brittle finger and a fire roared in the hearth. "Go where you will be safe."

Lily found her voice. "You'll die for this," she said softly.

If Lily could paint, she'd have constructed his face from memory-she knew she'd never forget a detail of this moment-and title it Pride. His chin was lifted and a triumphant smile graced his face, and she couldn't be sorry for his fate. It was what he was meant for. "Tibble will die in honor," he proclaimed. "And Tibble's son Dobby will know he has done right. We talked last night, miss, though Tibble couldn't tell Lonny." His ears drooped a fraction. "Tibble hopes she will understand."

Lily leaned down to kiss his scarred, wrinkled head. "You won't be forgotten," she whispered in his ear. "You'll go down in history. Tibble the Brave."

Tibble stepped back, saluted each of them, and disappeared with a snap. Lily stood, blinking back tears, and turned to see that James's eyes were filled as well. She wanted to move to him, but knew there may not be time to wallow if they wanted to survive. She stepped to the fireplace, pinched a handful of Floo powder and threw it into the fire. She reached for James's hand, and they stepped into the fire together. "Hogwarts!" she shouted, and felt herself spin.


	15. Coming Home

Author's note: Thanks to everyone for sticking with me through this. I know it sucks that updates have been rare, and the reason for that is that I don't get a whole lot of computer time in the course of a day (pretty much just when my fiance's at work and I'm not... which isn't terribly often or for terribly long).

But! I just got back some money that I've been owed for awhile, which means a new laptop on Friday! I won't pinky-promise a new chapter by Saturday, but I'll do my very best.

* * *

Lily hadn't been sure where in the school the Floo would lead her, so she was pleasantly surprised to find herself in Dumbledore's office. The old wizard's head snapped up as they stumbled from the fireplace.

"Miss Evans! Mister Potter!" he exclaimed. The teens talked simultaneously, too relieved and exhausted and wired to care for niceties.

"Professor-" began Lily.

"Voldemort-" interrupted James.

"-kidnapped-"

"-but we escaped-"

"-but Tibble-"

The two were silent as he held up a hand. "An explanation is in order," he said gravely, "but first I'd like to contact your parents to let them know that you are safe."

"Don't say anything to mine," insisted Lily. "I doubt they even knew I was missing. They weren't expecting me."

"This is true," he confirmed. "We thought best not to worry them until we knew the situation. Mr. Potter, I'll Floo your parents now."

After a reunion of hugs and tears and kisses for both of them, they told the story. By tacit agreement they didn't mention Severus's involvement-Lily imagined it was James's loyalty to her and not the Slytherin that sealed his lips.

Once the explanation was over with, Dumbledore was silent for several long minutes. He asked no questions about the incident, and in fact made little indication that he had heard a word, other than the crease that had formed between his eyebrows.

After a long silence, he spoke softly. "Lily, James, you have been through an experience most would not have survived. Do not fail to appreciate that. Now, I imagine you're both exhausted. You may stay here, of course, if you feel unsafe at home."

"We'll go home," answered James promptly. Lily nodded in confirmation.

"Very well," he conceded. "But if you don't mind, I'd like to see the two of you tomorrow evening. Tonight, there will be no more grave conversations. Go home and rest."

* * *

The moment she stepped through the fireplace she was off her feet. She wasn't sure exactly who had lifted her, only that she was squished between an eager Sirius and Remus.

"Put me down!" she said on a laugh. Once her feet were firmly planted, she placed a smacking kiss on each boy's mouth. "I didn't know if I'd see either of you two again. Oh, I've missed you both."

James came through right after her, and was subject to the same treatment. She watched the reunion happily, then felt a tugging on her dress. "Oh!" she exclaimed. The kitten was pawing at her. She lifted her, nuzzled her face to the feline's soft fur. "I forgot all about you!"

"She won't come near Sirius or me," said Remus casually. "Can't imagine why. She's been wandering around the house like she was looking for you, even though she only knew you for a day or so. Have you got a name for her yet?"

"Tibble," said Lily. "It's perfect." Suddenly, the emotions-the sick panic and fear and sorrow she had held back while she was imprisoned, relief at being free, grief for the house elf who had saved her, and overwhelming love for everyone who surrounded her now-swamped her. She dissolved into racking sobs, falling to her knees as she cried into the kitten's fur.

Only now did it truly, truly hit her what she had been through-what she could have gone through. "I'm sorry," she choked out over her tears. "All I've been through in the last few days, I should be stronger than this."

"I've never met anyone stronger," James promised, plunking down to the floor next to her and resting a hand on her knee. "You're exhausted and it's just starting to sink in for me, too. You were brave for as long as you had to be."

"Can someone tell us what the bloody hell happened?" interrupted Sirius.

"Let's go outside," suggested Lily, "and we'll tell it. I'm sick of walls."

They didn't leave any details out, not this time. When Sirius exploded with threats to an absent Severus, Lily merely held up a hand a la Dumbledore to silence him as she continued. Remus remained silent through the ordeal; he asked no questions and gave no comment, while Sirius punctuated nearly every sentence.

As James drew the story to a close, Lily felt her vision waver. She hadn't eaten in... she didn't even know how long. Hadn't slept in over twenty-four hours. "What day is it?" she asked suddenly.

"The first of January," answered Remus. "You've been gone for five days."

"I was unconscious for most of that," she answered, her brows furrowing in concentration. "I'm pretty sure. It's hard to keep track of time when you're alone in an empty room, but I think I've only been up for a couple of days at most."

"You probably both need some rest," said Remus. "Have you eaten?"

"No," said James before Lily could speak. "We couldn't be sure he hadn't poisoned the feast he laid out for us. I'm starving."

Eyes carefully on Lily, Remus said, "Let's get something to eat then."

She found she was too tired to argue.

* * *

Lily didn't remember undressing or even getting into bed, but she woke in only her bra and panties. A glance at the clock above the door told her she'd been asleep for about twelve hours. She carefully disentangled herself from a sleeping James and crawled out of bed.

The emerald-colored dress from Voldemort was pooled at the foot of the bed. She wished she had her wand so that she could burn it, but settled for kicking it and rummaging in her trunk for something to wear.

Her stomach tormented her. She imagined it was the fact that she had gone so long with out eating, then eaten a large meal-larger than she was used to. She had been to tired to purge, to weak even to want to try. Now she pinched at the flesh on her stomach and wished she had been stronger.

She went to the woods for solitude, but found her best friend in the clearing. She imagined he had been seeking the same thing, but sat beside him on an overturned tree trunk anyway.

"We were worried about you," said Remus.

"We're home now." She said it simply. What else was there to say?

He nodded. "So you told James? It was all over his face," he continued when she gaped. "He wouldn't stop watching you at dinner."

She had noticed, and it had made her feel awkward. "Hopefully he doesn't do that from now on. When I told him... he had no idea what I was talking about. There's no need for you to educate him, by the way," she warned gently. "I gave him the overview and I told him how sick I got last year. He doesn't need all the specifics, if it's all the same."

Remus nodded again. "That's your choice," he said. "I'll respect your privacy regarding the details." She imagined his mind travelled to the same place hers did: the edge of the Forbidden Forest on a warm spring night.

* * *

_Flashback:_

_She wasn't sure she could stand. No, she was sure she couldn't stand. It was a struggle to stay balanced on shaking hands and knees._

_She tried to ease herself to the ground, ended up falling gracelessly. She could be glad, at least, that she hadn't landed in the pool of vomit that was now only inches from her face. Gray swam over her stinging eyes. Maybe she'd die here; just now it didn't seem like a horrible fate. Better than trying to stand. Better than being found this way._

_Was it possible to die of exhaustion?_

_She was so tired. The struggle was killing her. At this point, with the ache that throbbed down through her bones and the burn that started in her gut and had her shivering, she thought she might welcome it._

_She didn't remember closing her eyes, but she had to will herself to open them when she felt a gentle pressure on her wrist._

_"R..." she had to fight even to force out the word. "Remus." Her swimming head registered that he was checking her pulse._

_"How long have you been out here?" he demanded. She didn't have an answer. Moments? Hours? She closed her eyes again. She was so tired._

_He shook her gently. "Lily, stay with me now. What have you eaten today?"_

_"Soup," she said weakly. "Toast." The evidence of it was, she realized, embarrassingly close to Remus's knee._

_"When's the last time you ate without purging?" he demanded. "Better yet, when's the last time you've eaten a full meal-purging or no?"_

_She didn't have an answer for that, either. "Dunno," she murmured. "Let me be."_

_"You haven't been bingeing lately," he said to her. "At least then your body was getting some nutrients. What did you eat yesterday?"_

_"Didn't."_

_He swore under his breath. "The day before?"_

_"Didn't," she said again. "I want to go back to sleep."_

_"Before today, how long has it been since you've eaten?"_

_"Four days." She was too weak to try to lie to him. Too tired to be irritated at his interrogation._

_He lifted her up, and she found she couldn't even muster up indignance. She drifted in and out until she felt him set her down._

_There was something pressed to her lips. "Come on, Lily. Drink this now. It's just a Strengthening Solution."_

_She opened her mouth and let the warm liquid trickle in. She felt warmth and power returning to her core, felt it spreading through her limbs as she drank it down._

_She sat up and looked around. "Where are we?" she asked. "Nowhere at Hogwarts." The room was a mess: Torn furniture littered the place, and the wood walls were scarred deeply by what looked like claws._

_"The Shrieking Shack," answered Remus. "Now drink this. Vitamix Potion."_

_She knew about Remus's ties to the Shack, but had never been inside. It broke her heart to see this place, his monthly prison. She drank the thick liquid, discovered that she had more energy than she had had in months. There was still a pounding in her head and an ache in her body, but she no longer felt perilously close to falling apart._

_"How did you find me?" she asked. He merely tapped a finger to his nose. She let the humiliation sink in as she remembered the state she had been in._

_Suddenly she was angry, furious. "How dare you?" she raged. "Following me, invading my personal privacy?"_

_His voice rose to match hers "I'm sooo sorry," he said with sarcasm dripping from every syllable. "I didn't realize I was stepping on Her Highness's tiny toes. Maybe I should have just let you die there!"_

_"Maybe you should have!" she exploded._

_Dead silence._

_After a long moment she shook her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. My temper's up."_

_"I know," he said gruffly. "Take these two potions before you go to sleep. One's Pepper-Up, and the other's a nutrient replenisher. You can stay here for the night; you won't be up for a walk back to the castle. And goddamn it, Lily, eat something."_

_The next thing she heard was the sound of a slamming door._

* * *

"I never did thank you," Lily said to her friend.

He looked at her curiously. "For what?"

"You saved me, that night I passed out in the forest. I could have died of malnourishment, and that's assuming nothing in the forest got to me first." She shuddered to think of it. She had been so... ill.

"For that, you're welcome." They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, the chill air turning their cheeks red as their breaths puffed out in little clouds. "I do wish you would turn away from that path, Lily," Remus said finally. "You're headed the same way. I wonder if you know how much weight you've lost, even just over the break."

"I'm being smarter this time," she said confidently. "No days-long fasts or anything. Don't worry about me."

"How many times did you say that last year?" he asked drily. "But I can't change you. I only hope that your love for James, and for yourself, are enough to save you."

She wasn't sure what to say, so she didn't say anything at all.


	16. Firewhiskey and Defiance

Later that evening, Lily and James Flooed back to Dumbledore's office after dinner. After the typical niceties, Dumbledore dove straight in.

"The two of you have been through a great ordeal in the last several days," he began. "You do not need me to tell you how tremendously lucky you are. It would appear that Voldemort has grossly undervalued the magic of a house elf. We may be able to use that to our advantage, but cannot expect such a miracle to happen again."

"We can't use house elves that way," protested Lily immediately. "Tibble is surely dead by now." And the gnawing ache in her gut wouldn't let her forget it.

Dumbledore nodded. "Don't worry, Miss Evans. It is not my intention to use house elves in any untoward fashion. It's merely important that we take every aspect, every possible advantage into account. This will be a long fight, a difficult one, and we cannot afford to leave anything out. Which brings me to my point.

"There exists a group of us dedicated to ending this war by any means necessary. We seek to minimize loss of life as much as possible, but we acknowledge the bitter underbelly of war and that some of us may not make it to the other side. We are the Order of the Phoenix."

"The Order of the Phoenix?" James repeated.

Dumbledore nodded. "We are the resistance, as it were. A group dedicated to Lord Voldemort's end."

"At this point, I don't know if anyone could be more dedicated to that cause than we are," answered Lily, fire in her belly. "I want to watch him burn."

"Exactly," said the headmaster, obviously pleased. "Among our members are the best of the Aurors, spies, Healers, and soldiers in the country. Some of them work and do Order business on their off time; a few work for the Order exclusively. It is our hope that you'll join our ranks, along with your friends Misters Black, Lupin and Pettigrew as soon as they finish school."

"We don't have to finish school first?" she asked, surprised. "Even though they do?"

"They have not faced Lord Voldemort directly," he answered, "and if possible we'd like to delay that as long as we can. As it happens, you and James will be asked to serve in a behind-the-scenes capacity until graduation. Your studies will remain your top priority."

"What's the point?" asked James. "If we're going to be fighting Voldemort as soon as we graduate, what's the point in even finishing school?"

"What if we defeat Voldemort in the next few years or so?" countered Lily. "We'd have nothing to fall back on if we don't even have a diploma. Besides, I don't want to be a dropout. I've worked too damn hard. How would it look if the Head Boy and Girl dropped out of school before their last term?"

"Fair," conceded James. "Anyway. How do we sign up for this?"

* * *

On the last night of the break, Peter came over so they could all catch the train together the next morning. Lily had never been particularly close to Peter, who seemed a bit of a tagalong, but she supposed they got on well enough.

The couple filled the rest in on the Order, who all agreed to join directly after graduation.

Lily, noticing that Peter looked nervous, laid a hand compassionately on his shoulder. "I know this is scary," she said easily. "But this war is going on whether we do something about it or not. And the more we do, the more people oppose him, the sooner it's all over."

"We'll be targeted," the boy squeaked. "I'll do it-I'll do it for all of you, but won't we be at even more risk?"

"No one is safe," said Remus. "I suppose you're a little more insulated from it than all of us. Being a werewolf makes me a target on both sides. Being a so-called traitor means that Sirius could be in trouble. Lily is Muggle-Born and James is with Lily, and they've escaped from Voldemort-" Peter squeaked, being the only one of them not to use the wizard's name "-so they're probably top of the list. You're pure of blood and your parents aren't involved in politics, so you're safer than the rest of us."

"But that doesn't mean you're safe," finished Sirius. "No man, woman or child will be until the fucker is dead."

"But it's your choice," Lily put in. "No one's making you."

Peter looked to James. "What do you think I should do?"

"A true Gryffindor fights for what's right," he said simply, pride glinting in his eyes.

Peter nodded miserably. "I'm in," he said softly.

"Great! Now. Let's put this behind us for a few hours," insisted Sirius. "The real world can wait. We deserve to have a little fun tonight!" Out of nowhere, he pulled a bottle of Ogden's Best.

"Firewhiskey, awesome!" said James happily, reaching for the bottle.

Lily wrinkled her nose. "I'll pass, thanks. Butterbeer is alcoholic enough for me."

"Come on, Lil," Sirius urged. "You can mix it in something. How many more opportunities will we have for careless fun?"

She sighed. "Fine. But if I get a hangover I'm blaming you."

* * *

"What the devil happened here?"

The deep voice boomed, then echoed in her head. Even her own thoughts seemed to echo_: Ithurtsithurtsithurts._

She dared to open her eyes, immediately wished she hadn't. The sun's brightness reminded her of the lights used for interrogation in Muggle movies, and her eyes felt like they'd been coated in sandpaper.

She saw a pair of pajamaed legs not too far from her face, chanced to lift her swimming head. A blurry Mr. Potter was attached to those legs, and his hands were on his hips.

"Morning, Dad," she heard James's soft voice from behind her. She realized that she was pressed against him; then she realized that she was naked but for her bra and panties. She was in too much pain to be terribly embarrassed, but she used her arm to halfheartedly cover her torso.

Then, much worse than the voices, a booming laughter came from the older man. She winced. _Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop._

"Been raiding the liquor cabinet, have you, my boy?" chuckled Mr. Potter.

She heard someone stir not too far from her, glanced over to see Sirius sitting up. "My fault, sir," he owned up. "I bought firewhiskey when we were in London the other day to get James and Lily new wands."

"Well, you're old enough," reasoned Mr. Potter. "If you're all up and about quickly there's no reason that my wife should have to find out about this. Come on, up you get, we leave in an hour and a half and you've left evidence all over my living room." Whistling pleasantly, he exited into the kitchen.

Finally, Lily's head evened out enough to let her sit up. Her stomach rolled in protest, and she prayed she could hold it in. Fuzzy memories wound through her brain, but she found she couldn't keep hold on them.

"What the hell happened last night?" she demanded. "All I remember is taking the first shot. And I think maybe I kissed Peter?"

"You did," he confirmed. He was lying on his side, a hand over his eyes and his skin a pale gray. She imagined he felt about as well as she did. "That was before you threw up, thankfully."

"I threw up?" she squeaked.

"Don't worry," James reassured, sitting up behind her. "All of us did except Remus. Bloody werewolf."

"Good metabolism," answered Remus casually. "I felt the effects faster, but it left my system faster too. No hangover for me."

Lily muttered a very creative suggestion relating to more sensitive points of Remus's anatomy, and he only chuckled. "There's some hangover potion in the medicine cabinet. I saw it the other night when I was getting pain reliever after the moon."

"Fetch it," bit out Sirius. "Fetch it now."

Once they were all relieved of their maladies and fully clothed, they tromped into the kitchen for breakfast. Lily's stomach was still on the queasy side, and she wasn't sure she could handle the monumental breakfast Mrs. Potter had set out. For that matter, she had no idea how many calories she had consumed the previous night in alcohol. She picked at an egg and shifted food around her plate, hoping no one would notice. She had done this countless times before, but it made her nervous to know that James now knew what she was up to.

"Not feeling well, Lily?" asked Mrs. Potter. "You've hardly touched your breakfast."

"Just a little ill this morning," she answered lightly. "I'll eat more on the train."

"Very well," the older woman answered. "By the way, Remus John Lupin, don't think you went unnoticed pulling hangover potion out of the medicine cabinet this morning." The boys' shoulders all hunched; Lily couldn't help but chuckle. How did mothers always know everything? She hoped that if she had kids she'd develop that sixth sense.

"Yes, ma'am," muttered Remus.

Mr. Potter laughed as well. "I tried to keep it under wraps," he promised. "Now finish your breakfasts. You've got a train to catch."

* * *

By tacit agreement, Lily, James and Remus joined Sirius and Peter in a compartment as soon as their Head and Prefect duties were fulfilled. Talk centered, naturally, on the night before.

"I honestly can't remember a thing about last night," admitted Lily. And it scared her. What had she said? What had she done?

There was an incredibly tense and awkward silence, during which all four boys avoided her gaze. "What?" she said nervously. "Tell me everything I did."

"You... stripped to your skivvies and started belting out Muggle songs," supplied Sirius. "I rather liked the David Bowie number."

She blushed furiously. Her singing voice wasn't a bad one, but she imagined that wasn't entirely true when she was inebriated. She certainly wasn't in the habit of singing karaoke.

"What else?" she demanded.

"You tried to perform, ah, intimite acts on James," said Remus gently. "He wasn't exactly fighting you off, but I'm afraid your aim was less than stellar."

"My... aim?" she asked, befuddled.

"Your mouth ended up on my hand," said James soberly, but she could feel him shaking with suppressed laughter beside her. "You were sucking quite earnestly on my fingers."

"Be fair," demanded Sirius on a booming laugh. "Your aim wasn't spectacular either. You were reaching for Lily's knickers and ended up with a hand on Peter's package instead at one point, remember?"

"Sounds like Peter got a lot of action last night," Lily giggled at the blushing boy.

The group teased the round boy good-naturedly for a few minutes as he got increasingly flustered. Finally, he'd had enough and said the first thing he could think of to divert attention from himself. "You cried," he burst out. "You apologized over and over and told James you were sorry you were fat and unloveable."

Dead silence filled the compartment for a full thirty seconds. The other Marauders' eyes shot daggers at Peter; it became clear to Lily that they had agreed not to mention that particular incident.

"I'm going to go make rounds," said Lily finally. There was nothing else to say. "You boys can stay back; I'll cover the whole car myself."

She didn't knock on a single compartment door, but headed straight for the ladies' room at the back of the car. She locked the door using every spell she knew, then sunk down and sat against the door while she struggled with panic.

They knew... something. How much? How much had she divulged? It was true that only two members of the group, Sirius and Peter, had been oblivious. But... she was absolutely humiliated.

She'd play it off, she resolved. She had been drunk; she'd play it off as intoxicated ramblings.

Once she was able to breathe normally again, she unlocked the door and stepped out.

And was met, almost toe-to-toe, by Sirius.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "I didn't see you! I-um-I'm just going to get back to the compartment."

But he didn't move. She was flustered, but not so flustered she couldn't give him an irritable shove. "Let me by," she demanded.

"Hold on a minute," he said and shoved her roughly back into the washroom. He locked the door and cast a Silencing Charm on it. Panic clawed its way up her throat. "And don't look so terrified," he snapped. "I'm not going to bloody rape you."

Her eyes narrowed into slits. "How dare you order me around?"

"What was last night all about?" he countered. "You should have seen James's face. You broke his heart when you cried all over him."

"I was drunk," she defended. "I didn't mean any of it. I don't even remember it."

"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Besides," he spat, "you think I haven't heard you and Remus talk about it, or Remus and James? I may not be as smart as Miss Know-It-All here-"

"Well, excuse the hell out of me but-"

"-but I'm not an idiot and I can use the Muggle Studies section of the library just as well as you can. I know all about your eating disorder."

"Shut the hell up," she snapped. "You don't know a damned thing."

"I know you're killing yourself," he exploded.

"I'm fucking tired of interventions," she seethed. "Everyone thinking they know the best damned thing for me. How about you leave me and my habits the hell alone."

She shoved past him, unlocking the door and storming out. He grabbed her arm, and before she could protest he said, very quietly, "Before you and James got together, before you had all of us, I can understand your wanting to self-destruct. But now? I would think that you would realize that you have something to live for."

She wrenched her arm away, ran to the prefects' compartment, sealed and locked the doors, and curled up in a ball to cry.

* * *

Not another word was said on the subject. When she finally returned to her friends' compartment, she took her place in James's arms and they all dutifully pretended the conversation had never happened.

She skipped dinner in an act of direct defiance against Sirius. She knew it was petty and immature and childish; she didn't care. She was tired of people trying to dictate the way she lived her life.

_Even if he was right..._

She ignored the small, irritating voice in the back of her head, the one that sounded suspiciously like her therapist from the Center.

She ignored the nervous looks all the Marauders gave her as she dutifully cut her food into pieces, pushing it around her plate.

She ignored the way James squeezed her knee gently as he asked if she wanted a bite of his chicken.

The moment dinner was finished she stalked up to her dormitory, not waiting for everyone else to finish dessert. She bundled herself under the blanket, drew down the bed curtains, and prayed for sleep to come.


	17. The Duel

Author's note: Thank you guys so much for not hating me because I take ages to update. At first it was just because computer time was hard to come by. Now that I have a laptop I don't have that excuse... but this subject is really hard for me to write about, harder than I expected it to be. If I do more than a little bit every day, I get sucked back into that place and that place is a shitty place to be. Please be patient.

* * *

With every passing day, Lily was getting sicker. And with every passing day, they spoke of it less.

Her eating habits became the elephant in the room, the thing everyone noticed but nobody pointed out. Alice stopped speaking to her after she brushed off any effort at conversation. The Marauders still included her, but she knew that that was as much out of friendship with James as anything.

Any time the subject was brought up, Lily shut down. So eventually, they stopped bringing it up.

On a Tuesday night a few weeks after classes started back, Dumbledore summoned both Lily and James for their first Order duties.

Directly after dinner, at which Lily had eaten four spears of asparagus and a bite of shepherd's pie, they reported to the headmaster's office.

"Lily, James, thank you for joining me," he said when they entered. "Lemon drop?"

Lily took one, knowing that the sweet would give her a little much-needed energy. She fought not to moan; it had been weeks since she had allowed anything sweet to touch her tongue.

"The first Order task that I will ask of you will be, I think, a relatively simple one: I need the two of you to help recruit new members. The organization is a private one, so we cannot simply hang posters advertising our meeting times, you see. We're looking for young, charismatic individuals who are passionate about the cause. At this time it is important that you don't tell anyone about the Order who doesn't already know; I'd merely like a list of names of students you think would be interested and capable."

Lily and James nodded dutifully. "I can already think of a few," put in the boy. "Alice and Frank, maybe Emmaline Vance?"

She nodded again, absently this time. "Dorcas Meadows, maybe? She's a Hufflepuff but I think she has family who was affected in a Death Eater attack last summer. She's not the brightest, but she's dedicated."

Dumbledore smiled, obviously pleased. "Excellent. These were all students I had earmarked, but your input is very helpful. If you could do an old man the favor of learning a little more about them-what they want to do, who their friends are."

"Yes, sir," they chorused.

"The second task I'll ask of you relates to the two of you and your friends-Misters Lupin, Black, and Pettigrew. Since you have been inducted and they have agreed to do the same once they have graduated, it is never too early to begin training. All I ask of you is that you practice dueling one another, for at least three hours every week. I shouldn't think this would take too much time away from your studies. Professor McGonagall will supervise and instruct whenever she is able."

Lily winced internally. Dueling? She could barely handle standing. But she knew she needed to fight Voldemort, however tired she may feel. And she did... tired was all she really remembered how to feel.

"We'll start tomorrow afternoon," decided James. "We all have a free period after lunch on Wednesdays and Fridays, so we can do an hour and a half each of those days."

Maybe if she ate lunch she'd have the energy to duel...

* * *

All the next morning, Lily's thoughts were racing, along with her pulse. She hadn't been this anxious about a single meal since... well, since the previous year.

She knew she had to get something into her system or she wouldn't make it through the dueling lesson. Could she get by on two solid meals a week, eating nothing but broccoli and celery in between? Could she perform some spell that would give her bursts of energy?

The answer came in Potions class, which she had right before lunch. "Today," announced Slughorn, "we're going to create an advanced strength potion called the Virtute Temporaria. This gives the drinker a boost in strength, energy, and endurance. However, once the effects wear off, the drinker will crash, as it were, into a state of exhaustion and depleted reserves. It was commonly used by human soldiers during the Centaur War of 935. As we have the more stable Strengthening Solution, the Virtute Temporaria is largely obsolete, but has been used to save wizards from the brink of death when Healers need just a little more time. While I don't generally prohibit taking samples from the classroom, I'll warn you that this particular brew is illegal for use by non-Healers and can be highly dangerous if not taken in the exactly proper doses. You will not be permitted to remove any of this potion from the classroom."

She would just have to get the right dose, she reasoned. She worked with James, who was adept at potions, but as Lily was much better she did most of the work while he chopped newts' tails. Though her focus had been fuzzy, she found her concentration didn't waver on this.

They were the first to finish their potion, earning praise (as always) from Slughorn. "Excellent job, Lily, James." He beamed at them. "I'm certain that it's flawless."

She sent James off to place a vial of the potion on the professor's desk, then poured some into a second vial for herself. She was careful to get the right amount for what she thought she must weigh. She was temped to overfill the vial, but she knew the consequences could be disastrous if she wasn't exact.

Still, she made a point of eating at lunch. The Marauders watched her somewhat tensely as they talked; they always did these days. She smiled reassuringly and slipped a spoonful of mash into her mouth, then another. She ate plenty of vegetables, enough she felt almost full, and three bites of chicken.

It was more than she had eaten in weeks and made her feel a little sick and a lot anxious, but she breathed through it. When her stomach fought to empty its contents, unused to the full feeling, she swallowed it down. James squeezed her hand and kissed her cheek as they stood from lunch. He didn't have to tell her that he was happy; she could see it on her face. That made her feel more sick than the food had.

They made their way to an empty classroom. Lily lagged along at the back of the group and drank the potion when she was sure no one was looking.

At first, she felt no effects. She wondered if Slughorn had been wrong and her potion had been imperfect after all... how was she going to get through the next hour and a half of dueling?

McGonagall entered the room shortly after the Marauders. "Professor Dumbledore tells me you're to be joining the Order," she said. "I couldn't be more pleased with our growing ranks, but I must warn you it will be no cake walk. As such, we're going to duel without holding back today. We'll practice team dueling next time; for now, it's each man and woman for themselves. Nothing that will kill or maim permanently, but other than that, you are without limits. I'll stand by to assist you, and while I'll be ready to deflect, I'd appreciate if none of you tried to hit me. I need to be conscious in order to put the pieces of you back together."

As the professor spoke, Lily felt an awesome power coursing through her veins. She hadn't felt this good in... ever. They got in position and, on McGonagall's word, began.

A stream of shouts and colored light erupted all around Lily; she instinctively shot out a shield charm. All of her companions stumbled back a couple of steps. She hadn't intended to make the shield so powerful, but she wasn't complaining.

She dodged a jelly-legs jinx and set a leg-locker curse in that direction; it caught Peter, who fell facefirst, moaning in pain. _One down_, she thought. She dodged curses as quickly as she sent them flying. Normally she imagined she'd be near to evenly matched with the other three, but the potion gave her a distinct advantage, and she held off.

Sirius was on the ground within three minutes; James hit him with Calvorio, the hair loss curse, which distracted him long enough for Lily to Stun him. Remus sent James down a few minutes later, and then it was only the two of them.

"Don't hold back," taunted Lily, who had been doing just that since she realized how far her strength was amplified. "Do your worst."

"Darling, my worst and they'd be hauling me to Azkaban for murder," he answered, panting. He conjured a small flock of-were those birds?-nonverbally, then shouted, "Oppugno!"

Lily shrieked as they pelted her. She deflected them and sent them back toward Remus. But where they had barely broken her skin when they hit her, they were leaving gashes across Remus's face. She almost felt bad, knowing she had an unfair advantage, and decided to end the duel then and there.

"Stupefy!" she yelled, but nothing happened. Confusion crossed Remus's face, followed by concern.

"Are you okay?" he asked after Banishing the birds.

"Why wouldn't I be?" she tried to ask, but she realized she could barely move her lips. All of a sudden everything felt very, very heavy. And then, without warning, everything was very, very dark.

* * *

Everything hurt.

Body parts she hadn't even previously aware of ached now, the way a sore tooth aches-unignorably.

Lily couldn't move. She fought to open her eyes, to groan, to do anything that would tell her she was still alive. The effort exhausted her.

She was so tired. She wanted to sink back down, down where she couldn't feel anything. All she could feel here was pain.

And pressure. There was a pressure on her hand, encircling it. Idly she wondered who was holding it. Surely no one would love someone who couldn't move. She was a statue. Had she always been a statue? She didn't much care for it; it hurt terribly. She wanted to go home.

She wasn't entirely sure what home was, but it had to feel better than this.

She could let go. She knew that much. There's something that you realize when you're dying: there's a choice involved. The choice to fight through blinding pain or to let go and sink in. The temptation to sink was overwhelming.

_I love you, Lily._

What was that? It stirred something in her.

_The Healers say-they say you might be able to hear me. They're not sure. I can't handle the thought of you not being inside your body, not hearing me, so I'll choose to think you know I'm here._

Who was talking to her? Why were they there? Why wouldn't they let her sleep, let her fall into the blackness that coaxed her with warm hands?

_I'm so scared, Lily. I love you so much and you look so... small. They say they don't know if you'll..._ The voice hitched._ If you'll make it. But you have to make it, Lily, do you hear me? Potters only fall in love once, and I can't bare to be without you._

Potters? She couldn't quite make sense of the words. They were tugging at something in her mind, something she couldn't quite tap into. She was torn between wanting to go away, away to anywhere, and wanting to stay and hear this deep, warm voice. She fell in love with the voice.

_They say that even if you make it, you might lose your magic. Lily, why didn't you listen when Slughorn said how bad the potion could be? If you didn't feel up to dueling, you should have said so. Goddamn it, you should have been eating._

But she had been trying to be beautiful, small, perfect. It was beginning to come back to her now. The raw and aching need to shrink.

_Please, Lily. Come back to me. I'll do anything. If you lose your magic, I'll cast any spell you need. I'll tell you that you're beautiful every day. You are, Lily. You're so beautiful. You need to wake up, and you need to eat for me. _

But she hated eating. She didn't want to wake up and she didn't want to eat. But she thought she might do anything for this voice that spoke to her, the hand that squeezed hers now.

_You're still wearing the necklace I gave you at Christmas. It's passed from Godric Gryffindor himself, remember? You're a true Gryffindor. Be brave for me. Come back._

She drifted in and out. She had no concept of time, but she knew that every time she awoke, she felt that hand. Sometimes the voice spoke to her; other times it sang or spoke with other voices around her. Sometimes she was left in silence, but there was always a hand on hers.

Finally, the exhaustion faded just enough she could find a little clarity. The voice was called James Potter. She went to school at Hogwarts. She had stolen a potion and had felt wonderful, and then she hadn't felt anything.

The hand on hers had loosened its grip, but there was pressure on her lap; she thought it might be a head resting there. She heard a faint rumble that she thought might be snoring.

Gathering all her strength, she fought to move her hand. She couldn't squeeze as she had tried, but she managed to make her fingers twitch. James stirred.

"Lily? Are you awake? Did you just move your hand?" He sounded frantic.

She tried her eyes this time, focusing all her strength on opening them. Slowly his face came into focus in the dim room she couldn't identify.

"Oh God, Lily." He moaned it and trapped her into a hug she couldn't return. "Oh God, I thought I lost you."

Her heart ached at the tremble in his voice. She tried to speak, couldn't make her mouth cooperate. The best she could manage was an "mmm" sound.

"I'll call the Healer," he said frantically. "God, Lily, you're awake. I don't know what I'd have... let met get the Healer. I'll be right back."

With that, he left her alone. It would be the last time she was alone for quite awhile.


End file.
